


To Begin at the End

by RumbleFish14



Category: Shameless (US) RPF
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, COVID-19, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Feelings Realization, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, M/M, Make up sex, Sad and Happy, Secret Relationship, Star-crossed, mosher
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:28:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27181111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RumbleFish14/pseuds/RumbleFish14
Summary: Amongst all the Covid-19 drama, the shameless cast is set to return to work. Cameron has changed his life, he turned it around when he called it quits with Noel, but within a days work, he finds himself being pulled back in
Relationships: Cameron Monaghan/Lauren Searle, Layla Alizada & Noel Fisher, Noel Fisher/Cameron Monaghan
Comments: 28
Kudos: 135





	1. Slip Up

**Author's Note:**

> FB prompt. Wanted season 11 mosher drama. Hope you like it 💜

To Begin at the End  
(Part One)

It was midsummer when the world, post covid-19, started to get back to normal. Or relatively normal anyway. People were still social distancing, wearing masks, especially in Los Angeles, restaurants were opening back up with a few guidelines, as were movie theaters, along with half a dozen other various places. 

Late January changed the entire world, making masks and keeping six feet apart their new normal. For six months people were trapped inside. Away from their family and friends, away from their jobs, those who still had jobs. Money, or lack of, was becoming a global issue, people needed to get back out and begin again, they needed to work and live and take care of their families.

And it was happening, slowly.

Over those few months, a lot had changed for him. At the beginning of January, they wrapped up filming season 10 of shameless. He and Noel went on the Late Show together to talk about it, making jokes, taking sexual jabs at each other that no one understood but them and maybe a select few people who were intuitive to their emotions. At the end of January, before the pandemic, was the last episode of season 10. It aired and they received a multitude of love from it. 

The filming season was over for a few months, leaving him and Noel a little time together as a secret couple. They spent the next few months in what he thought was domestic bliss, but bliss was only possible if you ignored the details. Details like Noel still being married, their relationship still in the dark. 

It had been years for them, but on and off. The strain of working together for months at a time, then going silent for even longer was making it hard to hold on. Add in the fact that Noel couldn't seem to live up to his promise, one that would effectively end his long time relationship with Layla and pave way for theirs and things had gotten tense and complicated. 

Then it was over in the blink of an eye. Ended by him for once, instead of Noel. He tried too hard for someone who didn't try enough and left him with false hope and empty promises for too long. He couldn't do it anymore. 

As of late February, they were done. 

Then covid-19 happened. 

Later on, a few months down the road, months filled with self pity, wallowing in his own sorrows and way too much drinking, he decided to put himself out there again. Only metaphorically speaking since the world had gone to shit within a few months. Meeting new people was hard, meeting women, or even men, was even harder. It left him with very little choices. 

Then it happened. He connected deeply, on a personal level with friend and model, Lauren Searle. She used the same modeling agency he did, which meant they were colleagues of sorts, meaning they met once or twice, followed each other on social media. The ice was already broken, so to speak, so when he reached out to her in person, she'd said yes and slowly it began to build. 

They were in a relationship. 

One that was nothing like his last, obviously because she was a woman, not the love of his life and totally different from Noel. It took a lot of adjustment on his part to make the switch, and like most celebrities newfound relationships, it was kept hidden until they had a few months together under their belts, until they had a solid understanding. 

The world started to open up again, meaning they met for coffee or lunch, dinner sometimes. They got to know more about each other as people, not public figures and realized that they kind of liked it, and each other. 

In May, after giving up all hope for Noel, after stopping all contact, even when some days it felt like the distance would literally kill him, he stopped wearing the ring. The one Noel gave him, the one he always wore and everyone always wondered why he wore it and where it came from. He took it off and slipped it into a drawer in his bathroom and it was forgotten. 

People noticed, fans mostly. Lauren did too but she didn't ask. He felt naked without it, like he forgot to put on a pair of shoes or a shirt. Sometimes he'd go to twist it for reassurance when he got anxious sometimes, just to realize it wasn't there and that anxiousness would intensify until he got it under control again. 

Later on that month, he bought a house. One far bigger and better than his old one. He spent a great deal of time renovating it before he moved it. Making good use of the stay at home order. That kept him just for a few months, it seemed. Spending time there and with Lauren and he hardly had time to think about Noel. 

Until July. His and Layla's anniversary. 

It wasn't programmed in his head, but social media was a curse sometimes and of course, Noel had to post a photo of her on a beautiful beach, saying words Cameron knew he didn't mean. Then, like clockwork, she posted about it too, twisting the knife in his shriveled heart just a little bit deeper. 

After seeing that, he invited Lauren over for a week long fuck fest in hopes of trying to clear his mind and his heart of it all. They spent that entire week naked, having sex all over the place, literally trying to fuck away his heartache but it didn't work. All he had was a clueless, but satisfied girlfriend and newly acquired exhaustion. 

His depression was back. As was the drinking. He would have scheduled a visit with his shrink, but her office was closed for a while still. He got stuck with an over the phone consultation where she upped his antidepressants. If it helped, he couldn't tell. 

By early August, he evened out again. Working out from home, taking his meds, no drinking, keeping up his appetite, both for food and for sex, he did a photo shoot for Grumpy Magazine which upped his mood substantially. When your best friend was in charge of the interview for the magazine, that tended to happen. Liliana always made him feel like his old self again, his pre Noel Fisher self. 

And with all good, stable things, they didn't last forever. 

Shooting for the last season of Shameless was back on. It had gotten put on hold until it was deemed safe enough to get everyone together again to film. There would be some major changes, masks and being six feet apart, working the covid-19 thing into the already written script, no flying to Chicago to film at the Gallagher house or the Milkovich house. 

But it was better than putting it off until 2021. 

The worst part was not the strict rules and guidelines for working, the worst part was the fact that he'd have to see Noel again. On purpose. And not only that, they'd have to be a TV couple in love, post wedding, honeymoon bliss. They'd have to smile and act like they liked each other and kiss and touch. 

THAT was the worst part. 

There was a reason you shouldn't fuck your coworkers. And an even bigger reason not to fall in love with one of them, especially the married ones. At least wait until the show or movie was over for good before you start it up, at least if it went bad, which it always seemed to for some reason, you'd never have to work with that person ever again, you'd never have to see them if you didn't want to. 

He didn't want to, and yet he had to. For one more season. The final hoorah. 

Lauren took notice again because over the months they'd been together, she got better at reading his emotions. She didn't know why he was down in the dumps again, drinking a little too much again, but she knew something wasn't right. And it wasn't like he could tell her about it. He couldn't tell anyone, making it that much harder. 

When his mood got to be too much, when even he couldn't stand his own company, they planned a spur of the moment trip to the middle of nowhere. They spent almost two weeks in the desert, hiking and sightseeing and being outdoors as much as humanly possible. No big cities or smog or constant attention to their cell phones and the rest of the world, just them. 

The only time they put down their beers or put on their clothes to get their phones, was when they each had to snag a few pictures of each other to capture the moment. She took some of him all scruffy, looking like a caveman with a 40 year old dad bod and hair down to his neck. He took a few of her while she showered, sunbathed and even laying naked in their bed. 

The best one he took, was when she was laying outside in the sun wearing a red bikini, looking fucking amazing. He joined her, bent over her and kissed her just as the picture was taken. When it was posted, the entire world freaked out. 

That confirmed their relationship. The other ones just showed what looked like two good friends on vacation together, even when some of the shots were up for interpretation. But that one straight up confirmed it. 

It was love. At least for her. She said as much. But when he went to say it, when he dug deep and tried to locate that feeling, it just wasn't there. She didn't hold it against him, or break up with him because he couldn't say it back, but it loomed over them.

The last time he told someone he loved them, had been at the end. It changed his entire world, and not for the better. 

Like an idiot still in love, even when he convinced himself he wasn't, he waited for Noel to say his two cents about it all, about Lauren. If he said something, did that mean he still cared? Did that mean he still loved him more than her? If he didn't say anything, was that because all those feelings had vanished? Or was Layla just watching too closely again? 

When nothing happened, he drank and drank and drank. 

Their first table read was finally underway, virtually of course. He sat at his kitchen table, feeling like absolute shit and got a good, long look at his love. It should have been illegal to look that damn good, but there he was. A real life person, looking better than anyone else in the world...to him at least. 

The rest of the cast was there, as was John Wells. They played catch up like a family would, joking and talking and enjoying each other's company. Then came the work. But the entire time, playing catch up and discussing the game plan, he kept to himself. Speaking only when spoken to, not playing or joking as much as the others. 

All his efforts were on trying not to look in the little box with Noel's face in it. They shared a few odd looks, strained words. Everyone else was too busy or excited to notice the tension. 

They discussed the plan, both for the show and it's changes, and for the new working regulations they needed to follow in order to start filming on location. Each of their story lines were talked about briefly, the biggest being Ian and Mickey's post wedding bliss. It was hard to be excited when all he felt last season was gone, there was no bliss anymore. 

Now he, they, had to do their jobs as actors, and act like they were still in love. For the last season, there was an immense amount of pressure. It was the end of the show, it had to be good, it had to be everything the fans wanted. It had to be perfect. 

It was painful to see him again, even on a little square inch of his computer screen. His smile, his natural red hair, his eyes, his laugh, his overall self. It reminded him that all that stuff he loved wasn't his anymore, he didn't get to share with Layla, she had it all now. 

As he prepared for going back to work, for stepping back into civilization with a shave and a haircut, he and Lauren spent some time apart. He needed to get into the right headspace again, for he was actually going to work and not sitting around the house all day.

Mostly, he had to pump himself up, mentally. Just because things had ended for good with him and Noel, didn't mean the world was over. There was a time when he and Noel weren't even friends and he survived that, or one of the many times they'd taken a break because of too many issues, or gaps of time where they couldn't be together, due to lack of filming or holidays or Noel leaving the show a few years back. He survived all of that more than once, he could certainly do it again. 

He had to. 

They'd see each other in person for the first time in months and it would be okay. A little awkward, maybe but okay all the same. It could just be business, work. It didn't have to bleed into personal anymore. They'd be civic, they'd keep it clean. Hell, their performance would probably end up being better than it was because it was just work. They could fully concentrate on that instead of each other and hiding their affair. 

At least that's what he told himself as he drove to Warner Brothers Studio for the first time in half a year. It's what he told himself when he arrived on set, when he saw his on screen family again. They couldn't hug or take their masks off, but the effect was the same. Some shedded tears and stories, jokes, jabs, family stuff. 

He screamed it in his head the moment he saw Noel for the first time. Screamed it at the top of his lungs. 

When Noel came into view, Cameron just kind of stood there, staring. Just as Noel did. They stared and stared. They didn't exchange words, they didn't even move. It was like a face off, trying to see who would break first. 

It must have created a big ball of tension between them. Each moment they held that same position, eyes locked, intensified it. It was like someone was standing between them, it had substance. They could feel it between them. The rest of the world faded into the background, until it was just hazy white noise and they were locked together again, staring. 

Cameron didn't want to be around him, not anymore than what was required for work. So, he did what he never did, he broke first and moved away. Before it was Noel, he'd always break eye contact first, or pull away first. But not this time. This time, Cameron just didn't want to do it again. He broke eye contact, managed an awkward "hello" then moved into the make-up trailer without another word or a glance. 

It made him feel powerful. In control. He was no longer held down by his weakness; his love for Noel. He was stronger now, he could walk away from it with his heart still attached. 

When it had been Noel who walked away from him, it felt like his world had ended, even if the separation was just long enough to get ready for a scene. He'd always panic a little, thinking that Noel didn't want him anymore because he'd broken that contact far too quickly. It's what a lovesick idiot would do. And he'd done it over and over and over again. 

Not this time. This time, he held the power. He was in control. It was Noel who had that kicked puppy look, not him, not ever again. 

The distance didn't last long though. Less than half an hour later and they were side by side in the makeup section of the studio, getting dolled up. He only needed a change of clothes, and a touch up under his eyes where the dark bags were. Unlike Noel who needed his entire hair colored black, also the bags under the eyes treatment, multiple tattoos and a major clothing change. 

Although occupied getting their faces painted, so to speak, there were many glances between them. All from Noel. Cameron didn't look over or side eye him when he wasn't looking. He stared straight ahead at the mirror, or down at his phone when there was a spare moment. But Noel was staring a hole into the side of his head, as if he was supposed to look over too like he always did. 

Not a chance. 

He was done first, obviously, and stood when he was asked so she could do a quick once over. He looked like Ian Gallagher again with his season three haircut, buzzed almost to his head. He was poked and prodded and touched up once more before she walked away for good, signalling him to leave. 

"Thanks." Cameron said softly under his mask as he headed for the door. His hand was literally hovering over it when Noel spoke. 

"Cam?"

Clenching his jaw and ignoring how good his voice sounded, even when there was a touch of watery emotion under it all. He didn't reply, he didn't look back, he opened the door and walked down the steps without a second thought. 

"Cammy!!" 

His clenched jaw and frown turned into a smile, a big one. One he missed just as much as his costar, Jeremy. Within seconds, ignoring the six feet apart rule, they embraced fully in a giant hug and squeezed each other like it had been years. 

It felt like years.

They pulled apart at the same time, each had a hand on the others shoulder, squeezing as they smiled. "Hey, Jer. Long time no see, hmm?"

"Way, way too long, man." Jeremy took his hand back and thumbed behind him. "Walk with me?"

Cameron shrugged and followed. He was headed that direction anyways. "So, what's been new with you?"

"Nothin new. Just spending time with the fam, you know."

Jeremy had a wife now and a daughter who was set to turn two or three this year. Cameron had no idea what that would be like, or how work would take time away from all that, only that Jeremy was happy to be at home with them for all those months. It made up for lost time. 

"Well, I'm glad you didn't succumb to the dad bod look." Cameron joked and poked Jeremy's side, which was all muscle. "I hear that's a look now."

Jeremy laughed. "Oh, it is. I saw yours though, or the beginnings of it. Shaggy hair, beard, little squishy around the edges."

"Yeah, I miss it." Cameron poked his own stomach this time, which was just as hard as Jeremy's. Then pushed his hand over short hair. "Hate my hair though. Cut it way too short."

They moved to the waiting area for all the actors, the place with the chairs that had their names on it, spread six feet apart with stickers and arrows to make sure it stayed that way. They each took their own chair and he couldn't help but notice that Noel's had been placed right next to him, like it always was. 

Now he wished it wasn't there, but in a different room altogether. 

"So, I see things haven't improved any since earlier this year."

Cameron hung his head and refused to look at his friend. Jeremy knew about him and Noel and everything. There was only so many people to keep the secret from and when you become like brothers with your on screen brother, they notice when something's going on. He hadn't told Jeremy about it, Jeremy came to him and asked and he hadn't lied. In fact, he was a little grateful he knew. It gave him someone to talk to about it all, to bitch or gloat. 

Now that it was over, it had been awhile since he and Jeremy talked about it. He told him it was over, then stopped all contact on the subject. It was too soon, he was too raw. But that was then, this was now and Jeremy was going to talk about it. He was going to make him talk. 

"There is nothing to improve." Cameron said after a moment. "It's been over for months now."

"You've said that before, Cam. You both have, many times and it's never over over like it would he with other people. You guys always find your way back."

"Well, not this time." Cameron raised his voice, making Jeremy close his mouth in a thin line. "It's been years, Jer. Years. I've wasted years of my life for him and nothing is ever going to change. He will always be married, I will always be on the side, left in the dark." He took a deep breath, not wanting to bite his friends head off. "I'm done. With all of it this time. For good."

"Yeah, I get that, I really do." Jeremy held his hands up in surrender. "Does he know that though?"

"Of course he does. What kinda question is that?"

"A good one, if you ask me. You're too busy trying not to look at him to actually notice it."

Cameron scrunched his eyebrows. "Nothing there to notice."

"You're being an idiot, man. I swear." Jeremy let out an awkward laugh. "Let me lay it out for you then. Noel is waiting for it all to bounce back into place. He's waiting for that awkwardness to die down, then for you to run back to him."

Now he laughed, but it was better than punching the wall again or kicking Noel's chair to the ground. "And why the fuck would he do that?"

"Because this shit happens more often than not. You two break-up, don't talk for awhile and fall back into it the moment you're in the same room together. He is waiting for it again. So no, I don't think he realizes you're done, for good."

Was Jeremy right? About Noel. He was right about their tendency to fall head over heels into each other the second they were alone, he didn't deny that. But after months of no contact, of him having a girlfriend, did Noel really assume that was going to be the case this time? 

If it was, if he thought for a second that he could just fall into his arms the second he laid his eyes on him, he wouldn't have a girlfriend. He would have suffered in silence all those months until Noel came back to him. 

"Well, that's not really my problem anymore, is it?" Cameron asked with absolutely zero sarcasm in his voice. "I didn't just wait for him like I always do. I moved on, I have a girlfriend, I'm happy."

"Maybe that's true, but I think you should make it perfectly clear to him. I've seen the looks he's been giving you since that table read last week, then again today. And I'm sure he's already tried to reach out to you, right?"

Cameron nodded. "He did. But I'm not doing that again. I didn't stay and chat."

"It won't be the last time, Cam and you know it." 

A drink. He needed a big fucking drink. 

"I'm only responsible for myself and my happiness. Not his. I don't need to tell him it's over because you'd have to be stupid not to know." Cameron said in one giant breath. "This is what he wanted, Jer."

Before Jeremy could tell him how wrong he was, which he knew was exactly what he was going to say, the doors opened and Emma and Ethan came in, arms linked, laughing at some inside joke. They were good at those. They joined them within seconds, halting any more of that talk for now. 

"Hey guys," Cameron said and plastered on a fake smile. It wasn't like they could see it anyway. 

They each took their seats and they all spent the next twenty minutes bullshitting around. More jokes and stories and what all they'd been about since they'd been stuck at home. Cameron let them talk while he listened, and tried to keep what was going on in his mind from spilling out all over the floor. 

It wasn't long before that door opened again, and Noel walked in with Steve, under one of those big ass arms. Covid or not, it didn't seem to stop them sometimes. They broke apart after a minute though, then made their way to the circle. Hellos were said again, smiles given, but not from him. 

There wasn't enough space in the world between them. 

"Hey, Cam."

Without wanting to draw unwanted attention or questions, Cameron gave a smile, big enough for them to notice, then returned the hello. "What's up, Fisher?"

The sympathetic look from Jeremy was enough to make his skin itch, literally. He stood up as Noel sat down beside him and tried to shake it off. It didn't work, it just got worse. Like his body still knew what it wanted, who it wanted and relationship or no relationship, it didn't seem to care. 

Deep down, he still loved him. 

So, he did the only thing he was capable of doing. He left. He ignored all the questions and callbacks and left. Outside, with no one else around for at least fifty feet, he pulled his mask down under his chin and took a big breath of fresh air until it felt like he was going to pass out. Then another and another as he paced, as he tried to outrun that feeling, all those feelings. 

"Can you stop running away from me?"

Cameron spun around quickly and Noel was standing at the door. Watching him. Blue eyes soft, sweet looking, they looked caring and worried and everything he used to love. 

"Just leave me alone, please." Cameron said as he turned to pace again, wondering if his voice sounded as pathetic as he felt. "You don't get to do that anymore."

"Do what, care about you?"

Cameron scoffed, his eyes rolling back before he could help it. "You got a funny way of showing it."

He didn't want to do this, not at all and he needed a way out before it got worse, before it got deeper. 

"You know what, I'm not doing this." He said as a matter of fact and it felt true. It felt right to say it. "You made yourself clear. We have nothing to say to each other."

"That's not fair." Noel said and Cameron could hear his voice changing. "You're the one that chose to leave, remember?"

Before he knew what he was doing, Cameron was in Noel's face, towering over him, looking him right in the eye with a finger pointed at his chest. "I left because you're a piece of shit. You string me along for years, Noel, years. Telling me what I needed to stay but not giving me enough to hope for. You led me on."

Noel looked away, guilt welling up inside him. "I warned you, Cam. From the very beginning of this shit. I warned you. You knew I was with someone, you knew I wasn't going to leave her and you still jumped into bed with me."

Cameron backed off when he got that urge to touch him again. "Yeah, I knew. I always knew and I was fine with it because I was a kid and we were just fucking." He paused and took another few steps away, then inhaled the clean air until his lungs hurt. "That was before you said you loved me. That was before you told me you wanted me and not her. That was before you promised me that you'd choose me, that you'd leave her for me."

Noel was quiet, prompting him to turn around. He looked guilty, sad, emotional. Blue eyes were a little watery, wide. If he had to admit to having a weakness, it was when Noel smiled and when he cried. Both had opposite effects on his body, and both tugged at his heart in ways he couldn't explain. 

"If we kept it just sex and you told me it needed to stop, I would have been bummed but it wouldn't have fucked my entire life up." Cameron kept going, his voice holding that same amount of emotions in Noel's eyes. "But you fucking promised me. Over and over and over again. You used those promises, my love for you, as a fucking weapon. You'd say it when you knew you were losing me and it was always enough to bring me back because I thought you meant it."

"I said those things because I meant them!" Noel yelled, moving closer. Taking back the steps that Cameron put between them. "I didn't mean for that shit to go that far, Cam. I didn't plan on this happening."

He loved him enough to believe him. But that's why he was in this mess in the first place. He couldn't trust himself or his emotions anymore. 

"I never asked you to fuck around on her." Cameron hit back, bringing Layla back into this because in reality, it was always about her. "You got in bed with me while you were with her. You knew it was risky and you did it anyway. And you kept it going for ten fucking years."

"So, what, that's it then?" Noel barked, eyebrows high on his face. "You say 'see ya around' then ghost me for months, then suddenly you don't wanna do this anymore?"

This was going nowhere. This is why he didn't want to get into it. 

"Now you suddenly have a girlfriend and you're too good to talk to me?"

Cameron let out a surprised laugh and it had Noel clenching his teeth, his jaw, he was dying to say something else about it. "Is that what this is about? What, I find someone else and suddenly you think I'm worth it again?"

"I always thought you were worth it." 

"I used to believe that." Cameron took another step back, then another until they weren't so close anymore. Until he couldn't smell him. "But there has never been a time where you put me first. Not once. It was always her. She needed you, you'd leave me high and dry, cancel on me again and again, you cared about breaking promises to her, but not to me."

"Cam…"

"No, shut the fuck up and listen!" Cameron growled. "Jesus Christ, you fucking married her right under my nose. I had to hear about it a week after on the internet. And what, that's you thinking I'm worth it? That's you keeping your promises to me?"

"I made promises to her too!" Noel yelled. 

"Then you need some fucking help to decide what you want, or who you want. That's a lot of promises for someone you claim not to love anymore."

"What's it matter now, hmm? You already have the latest piece of ass on your arm."

Talking about Lauren should have upset him, pissed him off, but strangely, it didn't. It was a low blow for sure, but it didn't hit like it was supposed to. For now, he didn't know what that meant about her and him as a couple. He'd have to revisit that later on when he wasn't neck deep in this shit. 

"It doesn't matter anymore. Which is why I didn't want to do this shit with you. It's a waste of time and it's pointless. You have Layla, I have Lauren. We are just two guys that work together now. We don't have heart to heart talks anymore."

When he went to leave, to go back through the door they both came from, Noel grabbed his arm, stopping him. He didn't shake it off, or push him away, he just stopped trying to leave and ignored the way goosebumps spread up only the arm he was touching. 

"Cam."

That's all Noel said, just his name but it was anything but just his name. It held so much meaning, so many feelings and memories. It was the way he said it that really got to him. He said it softly, helplessly, lovingly. It blew past all that anger and nailed him right in the heart. 

"I miss you." Noel said at last, his hand tightening on his arm. "Please, just talk to me."

'I miss you, too' was right on the tip of his tongue. He didn't have to force that emotion, it was real. He felt it. He missed him. But he didn't miss the pain, he didn't miss those lonely nights knowing Noel was with her and not him. He didn't miss feeling alone and unwanted and unloved. It just wasn't worth it anymore. 

What would happen if he said it? He knew. They'd trade sweet, meaningful words that seemed real and genuine at the time. They'd pull each other close, they'd kiss, they'd touch in ways he missed, in ways nothing else would satisfy. Their clothes would come off, their bodies would press together in that all too familiar way again, moving as one. They'd fall head over heels into it again, chasing that high that came at the end of an orgasm. It would be bliss, it would be heaven. 

It would be a lie. 

It would be a mistake. 

After, things would be worse than if they didn't give in. It would hurt worse, that empty feeling inside him would grow even bigger, darker, colder. He'd once again be addicted to the feel of his skin, of his kiss, of that feeling he missed. The feeling that got them into this mess. 

Before he could jerk his arm away and tell Noel to once again leave him alone, someone poked their head out of the same door. It was Steve, his eyes narrowed in question was he looked at them, as he tried to take in whatever was going on. 

Noel released him and Cameron stood up tall and met his eyes, daring him to say something about it. Almost hoping he would so all that anger still bottled inside him would have somewhere to go. And for once, Steve kept his nose out of it, opting for the smarter option, to remain unphased by it all. 

"Hey guys, Wells is ready to start." 

Cameron nodded and pulled his mask over his face. "Yeah, I'm coming. Just stepped out for some fresh air."

Without waiting for Steve or Noel, he walked back in, hiding all that shit behind an impenetrable brick wall in the far back of his mind and went to work. It was all he could do, it was the only thing he could control for now. 

**

The day seemed to take forever. Each scene was long, drawn out, making sure to drain him within an inch of his life. He had to force the words he needed to say, to Noel especially. He had to force the happy, feel good bliss of their on screen marriage. He had to make it real. 

The first few times, he failed. They had to do half a dozen takes, because he couldn't get it together. Everyone around noticed but didn't understand why it was happening in the first place. And there was nothing they could do to help.

Talking to Noel has been a mistake. He was back in his mind again, he was deep under his skin. It took him months to get him out and seconds to let him back in. 

When the day was done, he bolted. He didn't say goodbye to anyone, not even Jeremy when he tried to chase after him. Not to Noel when he tried to catch up after their last scene. He powered through everyone, got in his Jeep and left as fast as he could. 

He was running. 

Before he realized that he didn't want company, that he wanted to be alone, he was texting Lauren to meet him at his house. He didn't want to see her, not because of Noel, exactly, but because he needed some time alone to think. To get whatever feelings he let back in today, out again. He needed to get back to normal, his new normal. 

Lauren was there waiting when he pulled in. He met her with a kiss and an attempted smile before he let them both in. While she made herself at home on the couch, already talking about her day, he went right for the mini bar in his living room and drank whiskey right from the bottle. He drank until fire bubbled up his throat and he was forced to take a breath. 

Eventually he got a glass. They sat together in the kitchen, her at the bar, drinking the wine he kept in his fridge just for her. He was cooking, moving on autopilot through the motions as he listened to her, or attempted to. They talked about her stuff a little, about shameless a little, nothing heavy but the normal things couples talk about after a long day apart. 

That was his normal now. She was his normal. 

They sat together and ate in silence. His mind was too full to offer much right now, which is why he shouldn't have asked her over. He thought it might keep him from getting all up in his head about today, but it didn't stop it. He was stuck in his head, on an endless loop with Noel. 

After, they sat curled up in his bed with the lights off and the TV on. They picked a movie together but for the life in him, he had no idea what it was. He wasn't taking the move in, but staring blankly at the screen. They cuddled some, kissed too, which for them normally led to sex. She tried, moving against him, her wandering hands against his bare chest, then his thighs, her nails digging in a little. But his mind wasn't in it.

It didn't take her long to catch on. That he wasn't in it. He felt like a total dick and apologized, she said she understood. Something about being back and work and how tired he must be. Well, it worked, he wasn't in the dog house, but he wasn't tired. He was distracted. 

The movie ended and she made an excuse to leave. He couldn't blame her, if he were her, he'd want to leave too. And honestly, he wanted her to leave. Or needed her to. He needed a good night's sleep and a reality check before tomorrow. 

"I'm sorry." Cameron said again as they reached the front door. She was all packed and ready to go. "It's just been a bad day."

Lauren turned, smiling as she cupped his face. "Honey, it's fine. I had a feeling something was going on. It happens."

"Being back at work…" he sighed, shaking his head. He didn't want to lie, but he couldn't say it. "It's just not the same there as it used to be. Everything feels harder, you know?"

"I know, trust me. It's been half a year since you had to do all that stuff. It'll take some time to adjust." She leaned in to kiss his cheek. "I bet tomorrow will be easier."

Not fucking likely. 

"Thanks, for not being mad." Cameron opened the door and leaned against the doorframe. He pulled her with him until she was leaning against his chest, her arms around his neck. "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

She grinned, pushing her chest against him. "I know you will. Now kiss me like you missed me and go get some sleep."

With a genuine smile, his left arm circled her small waist while his left hand cupped her face and brought her to his mouth. They kissed slowly at first, just lips, acting like it was in fact goodbye kiss. Then it deepened. He turned his head one way, hers the other and let his tongue slide into her as she moaned.

While his mind was still a mess, his body was acting on its own, telling him what he wanted, what he needed, even if his wires were crossed on the who part of it. For now, she would do. It was working. His body was responding, growing hard in his sweats. Harder even when she rubbed the front of her body against him again. 

Without wanting to go further, Cameron slowed, pulling back as he smoothed her hair behind her ear. Her eyes were lazy, her mouth slick and perfectly soft, her smile satisfied for now. He offered her a smile in return, pecked her lips and pulled back. 

Noel was standing there, watching them. Looking a little surprised, which made two of them. He wasn't supposed to be there.

"See you tomorrow." Lauren said as she stepped onto the porch, smiling. "Love you."

Cameron met Noel's eyes, scared eyes. "Yeah, me too. Get home safe."

Before she made it too far, he pulled her back by her arm and coaxed her into another kiss. A deep kiss, one that had her moaning softly into his mouth, her manicured hands moving against his chest. He couldn't care less about the kiss and kept his eyes open and on Noel. 

It was mean, it was painful, but he did it anyway.

He pulled her back by her hair and slapped her ass as she walked away, grinning back at him. 

When her car pulled away with a honk, his smile dropped in an instant and he crossed his arms across his bare chest and stared at him. "You lost?"

Noel sighed. "Yeah, I am."

"It happens all the time." Cameron said as if he didn't know what Noel meant. He was lost, just not directionally. "Take a left at the last stop sign and you'll hit the highway within ten minutes."

With that, he backed into the house and slammed the door right in his face. He locked it, then padded barefoot back to the mini bar for the rest of that bottle of whiskey. It wouldn't help in the long run, he just needed it to help now.

After another long, throat burning drink, he held the bottle by the neck and headed towards his room. He didn't make it but two steps before the door was being unlocked with a click, then opened. 

Noel shut the door behind him and locked it once again. 

Cameron backpedaled a few feet, turned and glared at him. "Breaking and entering now?"

Noel held up the silver key. "Can't break in with a key."

"Yeah, one I didn't give you." Cameron walked over and snatched it. It was the spare key, one he kept outside. "How the hell did you even find this?"

"The fake rock was my first clue." Noel said and smiled happily. "Even hidden under a bunch of real rocks, that thing is still fake as hell."

With an unamused roll of his eyes, he pocketed the key, walked back over to the door, unlocked it, and held it open. "Yeah, and so are you. Now get out."

Noel's smile slipped and Cameron felt bad for about three seconds until he remembered all those slipped smiles he gave, all the fake ones, the ones that covered up pain and sadness. Then he didn't feel as bad as he thought. 

"I'm not leaving until we talk this out." Noel said without a smile this time. "Or I can talk and you can listen."

"Or, not." Cameron swept his hand out the door, motioning him forward. "If you want to talk, go talk to your wife. Oversharing with co-workers is never a good thing."

"We've never been just co-workers, Cam." 

Cameron glanced at him, then back at the door. "Well we are now, so you'd better get used to it. Just go, okay? I'm finally at a place in my life where I stopped thinking about you all the time. You're fucking it up."

Noel took a step forward, to him, not the door. "I never stopped thinking about you. Not once."

If this kept up, if Noel kept saying shit like that, shit he needed and wanted to hear, it would all go belly up. It would start to eat at him. Piece by piece until his resolve was gone, until those walls around his heart crumbled. Until he gave in. 

Cameron shut the door, which earned him a look of relief, then leaned against it and stared at him. "I'm gonna ask you something and your answer will decide how the rest of this goes. If it's the right one, we can talk, if not, you leave and don't come back. Don't talk to me outside of work, don't look at me, nothing."

Noel's shoulders caved in, but he nodded once. 

"Got it?"

"Yeah, got it."

"Good." Cameron swallowed past that annoying lump of emotion trapped in his throat. One that hadn't been there for a long time. "You want to talk so bad, for whatever reason, but what is it going to change, really? What do you think it'll solve?"

It took a moment for Noel to answer and Cameron knew he was trying to come up with the fight response. His mouth opened several times, but in the end just closed, without saying a single word. This was his only chance to fix it, to change their course. Even when he didn't deserve yet another chance in a long list of chances. 

"Honestly, I'm not sure it'll change or solve anything." Noel said at last, his voice was so low, Cameron had to lower his breathing just to hear him. "I know you don't want me like that anymore, and for good reason. And even when I'm the one who can't make up my mind, I can't ignore how much I still love you. How much I want you in my life."

Now he was the one who couldn't speak. That was not what he expected, not at all. Maybe an excuse, maybe another far-fetched promise he wouldn't live up to. But not that. His mouth refused to work, his tongue stuck to the top of his mouth each time he tried to talk, it was unbelievable. 

When he could talk, he was sure Noel could hear how much his voice changed, softening almost. He was breaking down bit by bit. "What's changed? Why now?"

"I know it sounds stupid, but you know when people say you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how much you fucked up?"

Cameron nodded. "That normally means you've lost everything. And I know you haven't."

"I hit the bottom when you wouldn't return my calls." Noel explained. "You lose what's most important to you before rock bottom and I lost it when I lost you."

He didn't say anything. He couldn't. He didn't trust what came out of his mouth. So he just stood there. 

"Normally when we do this, when you get sick of my shit, or when I get too overwhelmed, we take a break, of sorts." Noel continued. "We don't talk or reach out to each other but deep down I always know it'll be okay, I know we'll be together again, because we love each other. But this time…" he let out a shaky breath. "This time it didn't happen. It's been almost half a year, Cam and it didn't happen. You have a girlfriend."

Jeremy was right. Noel assumed they'd just fall back into each other like they always did. He wasn't looking forward to telling him how right he'd been. 

"I couldn't believe it. Not even living it, not even seeing the pictures for myself." Noel casually rubbed his face and Cameron could tell he was crying. "I know I've made promises before, I've broken just about all of them, but I never stopped loving you. Not for one second."

Cameron turned, giving Noel his back so he could swipe the corners of his own eyes and take a few deep breaths. That stupid lump was still blocking his throat, choking him up, giving him away. 

"So," Noel said after he cleared his throat and by then, everyone knew he was crying. "I guess it doesn't change anything, but I wanted you to know that. And how sorry I am."

What did he say? Did he do what he always had and forgive him, take it all back and act like nothing happened? Did he go back to being the side piece to a disastrous marriage? 

The end result would be the same. Eventually he'd want more, he'd want a relationship he could be proud of. One to flaunt and enjoy and share with the world. He'd want Noel to get divorced and finally choose him over her for the rest of their lives. And knowing Noel, which he did, all that wouldn't happen. He'd get too overwhelmed again and they'd be back where they started. 

This time, it was Noel who went for the door, he opened it and Cameron reached out to stop it from opening all the way. Sad blue eyes met his, almost in a stare down, to see who would break if anyone did.

"You already know what it's gonna take, Noel. I've made it pretty clear over the years." Noel nodded and broke eye contact, looking down at his hand. "Would you be okay with us being together but me still having Lauren?"

Blue eyes widened, actually surprised for once and eventually he shook his head. 

"Yeah, I didn't think so. And neither do I. You say you love me more than her, yet here I am on the outside, hurting every single day, and there she is, getting all the things you promised her and me. She gets all of it, all of you."

The anger was back. The kind of anger he felt didn't just slip away. It would take years of work and he hadn't tried to deal with it. He bottled it up for moments like these. 

"I was willing...I am willing, to give up everything to make it work with us. Even now, after all the shit we just said. I'm willing to fight for it."

Noel looked up, hopeful as tears slowly made their way down his cheeks. 

Cameron let go of the door and opened it. He was scowling again, glaring. "But you won't do the same. We both know it."

Noel was halfway through the door before he stopped. Cameron watched, wondering, then he turned around and all that sadness was gone, replaced by his own anger. 

"I risked everything I had for you, Cam. All of it. I risked my career, my relationship, that was just fine before you came along. I risked all of it. What risk did you take, hmm? What did you have to give up to be with me?"

Cameron's eyebrows lifted this time, taking that for what it was. A challenge. They already spilled their souls, now it was time for the anger. From both of them. It was long overdue and it might make their point faster than all the heartfelt stuff. 

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Cameron growled as he got up in his face until they were nose to nose. "I gave up ten fucking years, that's what. I kept my shit together when you fell apart and couldn't decide what you wanted. I was the one on the outside with no one, in the dark, all alone and feeling like shit while you were all cozied up with her acting like you didn't break me."

Noel clenched his jaw. 

"Yeah, you risked it, but I gave up the best parts of my fucking life waiting for your cheatin ass to man up." The anger exploded, coming out as a shove. His hands firmly against Noel's chest and he pushed, hard. Knocking him back. "So fuck you. You got what you wanted. Your slice of normal with a person you don't even love."

Noel came right back, bumping their heads this time. "And you're wasting your time with her, just like you did with Peyton, with Ruby, and all the rest of them."

"At least I'm fucking loyal." Cameron tried to shove him again but Noel beat him to it and shouldered him back. "You're not loyal to me or to her. I never fucked around on you or anyone else I was with."

This time, they both went to shove each other and missed. They fell together, their chests bumped, their legs tangled, even stepping on each others feet. And their lips were just inches away from each others. Breathing harshly. 

"I never asked you to leave her. You told me it would happen." Cameron spoke quietly, eyeing his lips with a newly found hunger. "That was your fuck up."

With nothing to come back with, because it was the truth, Noel just kept breathing, huffing, scowling. Making the tension even worse between them. 

And just like he knew it would, it happened. 

They came together in a frenzy. Kissing like they needed each other to breathe, clanking teeth at the force, nipping lips and swirling their tongues, one trying to dominate the other. Hands ripped at clothing, popping buttons, peeling them off as they went. 

As out of control as he felt all year, he needed it right now. He took it. He nearly had his hand around Noel's throat, turning him where he needed him as until the kiss deepened, until their bodies lined up from head to toe. 

It felt good, familiar. It felt like he hadn't been touched in all those months, that he'd been neglected any sort of bodily contact. For months. Which felt like years. 

But this time, unlike all their other times, it wasn't sensual. It wasn't loving. Passionate, yes, all consuming, oh yes, but there was no love behind it. It was raw, emotional, and it was so fucking good. 

"Cam," Noel whined as his lower lip was being pulled out.

Hearing his name like that made the hidden parts of his body spark to life. It affected him physically, making him sway forward, pushing into Noel's chest. His hands moved down from his neck, over his chest where he thumbed at his nipples through his shirt until they hardened. Then down, feeling all those newly acquired muscles, one that hadn't been there before. At his hips, Cameron squeezed, then pulled him forward until he could feel how hard he was. 

"Take your clothes off." Cameron demanded as he pulled away. 

If he took Noel's clothes off, it would change the way this was going. He would participate as little as possible, just for the sake of sex with him again. But he was done being sweet, he was done being nice. 

Noel hesitated for a moment and Cameron noticed. Their eyes met for a split second before Noel gripped the hem of his shirt and pulled it up and off, then went to work on his jeans and shoes until he was standing in his boxers. All his glory on display. 

"Fuck." Cameron whispered to himself. 

He was beautiful. Stunning. Curvy and hard in new places but still soft in others. His skin had that natural glow of summer and the freckles on his shoulders were darker because of it. He was flawless, no tattoos or bruises or marks of any kind. 

"You gonna be a dick the entire time?" Noel asked, moving closer. 

Cameron let out a laugh. "Call it what you want, but yes, I am. I don't know what you think this is, but it's not gonna be like how you remember."

Noel let out a soft sound. "Fine."

"Good." Cameron smirked at his little victory. "Stay here."

He moved past him, eyes trained on his ass until he was forced to turn the corner into his room. He moved to the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of lube he kept and a condom, then walked back. His eyes were instantly back on his ass and when he passed him yet again, he smacked it. Hard. 

"Come here." Cameron pulled him back against his mouth by a tight grip at his throat. If he pulled up a little, Noel would be forced to go on his tippy toes. "You sure you want it?"

"I'm sure." Noel groaned, his hands moving over Cameron's bare chest, then up to grip the muscle of his shoulders. "Fuck, I want it."

"Good, me too." Cameron roughly kissed him again, then jerked him back and manhandled him backward until he bumped into the long table in the foyer. "Bend over."

Without much of a choice, given that he pushed Noel against the table head first, a grip on the back of his neck and with a little pressure, he pinned him. Cameron shivered at the sight of his ass on full display like that, all but wiggling against him. He set the items down next to Noel's head, then trailed that hand down the length of his spine, then into his boxers as he grabbed the band and pulled them all the way down.

"I missed this ass." Cameron groaned as he squeezed it, overflowing his hand and jiggling perfectly when he released. "Goddamn."

Noel wiggled, trying to move his upper half but he was pinned tightly. "Just fuck me."

Just because of the tone, Cameron released the back of his neck, knowing he wouldn't move, then smacked the side of his ass and his thigh as hard as possible. Noel gasped sharply, then let out a whimpering moan that had the hair on his arms standing on end. 

"You ready for it to be over that quickly?" Cameron asked, rubbing the pink mark on his leg. 

"Just eager."

"Yeah, I can tell." Cameron bent down, biting harshly along his spine, headed down. His hands smoothed over his ass again, then down between his thighs. He kissed until he reached the crack of his ass, then let his tongue roll out slowly, licking back up to the center of his back. "You were always eager."

Noel let out a groan. "You were always a goddamn tease."

He was a tease. Always. Even during angry, hate sex, which this kind of was. And to live up to that stigma, he removed himself completely from the back of Noel's body. He was breathless from being so worked up, he stood there panting as he admired the back of him. 

More than anything, he wanted to drop the entire angry mood, he wanted to do it like they always did. He wanted to fall to his knees and properly take care of him. With his mouth, pulling Noel's rocking hips back against him, opening him up with his tongue before he used at least four of his fingers. He wanted to taste him on his tongue the entire time he was inside him, he wanted the sounds Noel made, those pathetic, delicious whining sounds. 

But that was not what this was. 

Without a word, trying to keep his mind as blank as possible, Cameron opened the lube and wet a few of his fingers before he set it aside. He only touched his lower back, putting his other hand flat against it, then kicked his legs apart until he was spread open a little. With skilled, positively eager fingers, he rubbed against him. Slow, dragging circles, wetting him, calming him. 

"God, please." Noel begged, gripping both sides of the table. 

He ignored him and pushed one finger all the way in. It wasn't slow, it was rough. One push and he was in. Noel hissed, clenching a little before he let out the neediest sounding moan, then relaxed. He was tight, like a virgin almost and Cameron had to breathe through the need to say it out loud, to compliment him, to tell him how much he loved the feeling. 

"More." 

As asked, he gave him another one. He slid a second finger in with the first, then instantly started to move them. Curling his fingers until the moans were constant. Then he stopped until all he heard was deep breathing. Then he did it again, and again, and again, stopping each time he moaned or pushed back. 

"Why you keep stopping?" Noel asked, moving a little to look back.

Cameron instantly pushed him back in down, with force. He waited until he had a third finger in before he answered. "I told you it wouldn't be how it was. You're not mine anymore, remember? I'm not going to treat you like you are."

Despite his anger, Noel groaned again and pushed back. In search of more. Cameron loved watching it. He loved seeing him so worked up, wanting so many things, things he wasn't entitled to anymore. 

Now open, stretched enough to take him, but not nearly enough to satisfy them both, Cameron slid his fingers out. He wanted to keep going until Noel was a sobbing mess, until his entire arm cramped, until all five of his fingers were wet, but he couldn't. He wouldn't. 

Instead, he let his sweats slide to the floor, standing naked as he grabbed the condom, tore it open with his teeth, then rolled it down without making a sound. He added more lube to Noel's hole, then slid slick fingers down his cock until he was glistening. He tossed it aside, wiped his hand against his thigh, then moved up behind him. 

"I guess this'll be what people call a hate fuck." Cameron said as he spread Noel open with one hand and jerked himself a few times with the other before he pushed against him. 

Noel laughed, a breathless sound. "You don't hate me, Cam. It would be easier if you did."

With a grip on Noel's hip and one freckled shoulder, Cameron pushed all the way in until he was pressed snuggly against Noel's back. He groaned a little before he bit his lips, muffling the other sounds. Noel wasn't so quiet, he didn't muffle that first shockingly sexual sound that used to be enough to make him come. No, Noel let it out. He let it all out. 

"Jesus, fuck." Noel moaned, lifting up as he pushed his ass back. "Cam."

With a deep growl right on the back of his neck, Cameron began to move. Hard snaps of his hips until their skin slapped together. Deep thrusts that even he couldn't muffle, the sounds escaped softly, right next to Noel's ear and he knew he heard it. He was being squeezed so tightly, he couldn't help it. 

"Not enough prep." Noel moaned out, pushing back despite his words. "God."

"Fucking deal with it." Was his only reply. He moved harder, deeper, faster, everything he wanted. He held him still as he sat up once again and moved so hard the table slid across the floor. He moved with it, gripping him so hard there would be marks after. 

Noel pounded his fist against the table. "Don't stop, fuck, please don't stop."

During sex, during their normal sex, Noel was always vocal. He said what he wanted, what he needed, what he liked, what he loved. It wasn't Noel giving him direction, exactly, but if Noel said what he liked, Cameron knew exactly what to give him. He knew how to move, he knew how deep to go, how fast, how to swivel his hips that detain way and it always paid off. 

"Cam."

His name said in another breathless whisper was all he could take. He released his hip, then leaned forward and covered Noel's mouth with his hand, muffling whatever else he was trying to say. Even though it was muffled, he could make out every single thing he said. Every time he said his name, every time he asked for more, for deeper, faster, his name again and again. 

"You talk too much." Cameron said between deep groans of his own. He kept ahold of his mouth, but let his head drop between Noel's shoulder blades to enjoy the sounds of their bodies without words. "Fuck."

It didn't last long, the silence. Not because Noel moved his hand, because both of his were free to move it at any time and he didn't. It was because Cameron needed to hear him. He wanted to hear him. 

"I know you missed it." Cameron groaned, prompting the talking this time. He kept a steady speed, hard enough to make it good but slow enough to talk. "Fuck, I can see and feel how much you missed it."

Noel put his hand on top of Cameron's and slid it down. He took a deep breath that just turned into another breathless groan. "I missed it, Cam. I miss all of it so much. I need it. I need you." 

The satisfaction was instant. Washing down his body in pulses, urging him to not be so cold. To not seem so distant. 

But he couldn't. 

"Enjoy it." Cameron said against Noel's jaw, almost kissing his way to his mouth before he stopped himself. "It'll be the last time it ever happens."

That was the breaking point. That was the moment it all changed. 

Instead of another breathy sound, there was a sob. A cry. One of pain, of anguish. Of heartache. Noel went lax under him, falling chest first into the table. He stopped, he didn't push back, he didn't clench around him anymore. He just laid there. 

His anger diminished at his feet. He slowed, released his harsh grip, and sagged against his back. He just breathed for a moment. In and out and hoped he didn't explode into thousands of little pieces that would scatter onto the floor. 

"Keep going." Noel said through a sniffle, then pushed back like he had before. "Come on."

Cameron shook his head and pulled out without so much as a gasp. "I can't."

Noel sagged against the table once more, shaking. "I'm fine, don't worry about it. Just keep going. It's the last time, remember? I want it."

With a heavy, broken heart, Cameron put both hands on Noel's shoulders and helped him turn around until they were face to face. His guilt worsened. Noel's face was red and splotchy, tears filled his blue eyes before they got too full and spilled. 

"Oh, baby." Cameron finally let the emotions in. His voice was soft, quiet. He cupped his face with both hands and the tears spilled into his palms. "Fuck."

Noel didn't say anything. He just closed his eyes and held onto his wrists and squeezed. Cameron didn't know what to do. There was no way to make it better. For anyone. 

Then they were kissing. Slowly, deliberately. Taking their time tasting one another, teasing with nips of their teeth and intimate swirls of their tongues. It was everything those first few kisses weren't. It was everything it used to be before it went to shit. 

Instead of handling him roughly, Cameron took his time touching him. Running his hands up and down his sides, his chest, down to his thighs. He kissed his jaw, then to his ear and buried his face here as he lifted him onto the table.

Noel gripped him, hugging him close. 

"I want you." Cameron whispered as he kissed his skin again and again. He moved between his legs, his hands sliding up Noel's thighs until he gripped behind each knee and helped him wrap them around his hips. "I want all of you."

Noel gave a shuddering breath, digging his nails into his shoulders. "I'm yours, Cam. I have been for years."

In one smooth, intimate motion, he pushed all the way back in. Noel gasped into his ear, tightened both his arms and legs. It was different, it was much better, it was everything. 

"Stay with me." Noel begged, pulling red hair until their heads pushed together. "Please."

He wanted to promise. He wanted to promise him anything and everything. He couldn't. He wouldn't lie about it. It wasn't in him. 

"I'm here." Cameron said between groans. His hands slid along Noel's thighs, squeezing, gripping, scraping his nails against them. He moved faster, deeper when Noel dug his nails into his scalp. "I'm here, baby."

All talking stopped again. They chose to kiss, to devour each other because they were starving. Desperate to bring that connection back again, to light that fire that once burned hot enough to melt the world. 

Each time their eyes met, it pushed them closer to euphoria. Their eyes would hold, their mouths would collide, groans would be swallowed. Within moments, or hours, they were clinging to each other, panting uncontrollably until Noel slid one hand between them. 

Noel got there first. Cameron watched with greedy eyes as he came, he felt when his body squeezed him tightly. He felt things he couldn't remember feeling, he saw such pleasured pain on Noel's face. His body just relaxed, he gave himself over again and again and again until he was a sweating, panting mess, buried deep in his neck. 

They stayed like that for a while. Close. Touching, petting slick skin, damp hair, kissing. Basking in it. 

Gradually they stopped, pulling apart until he could slip the condom off, tie it and let it drop to the floor. Noel hopped down without a word. They dressed in silence, sharing a few looks. Wondering how it would be after, or what should be said after. 

Cameron knew what he was about to say and it would both ruin the moment and have the potential to fix it. 

"Cam…" Noel began but fell short. 

"Don't." Cameron turned to face him. Noel was standing by the door again, like he was about to bolt. "Just don't."

A moment of silence. One that stretched on forever until Noel couldn't take it anymore. 

"I love you."

Cameron clenched his jaw. "Fuck you!" He screamed and moved closer but didn't touch him. He'd never seen Noel look so shocked before. They just had mind blowing, emotionally raw sex and he just told him to fuck off. It was cold. And brutal. "I don't want to hear that from you unless you fix it."

Noel opened his mouth for a moment, then closed it. "Is it fixable?"

"Of course it is." Cameron was proud to say his growl wasn't so loud this time, but he was getting amped up again. "And you know how to fix it. So fuck off until you do."

With that, Cameron walked away. He grabbed the bottle he put down an hour ago and carried it back to his room. He even slammed the door like a child in a tantrum but he was done. He was just done.

**

Noel paced outside Cameron's house. He'd officially been kicked out, even if he left by himself. 

Cameron gave him a choice. The same choice he'd been giving him for years. One he didn't voice, or push, but genuinely wished would happen. 

He wanted to be first. He wanted to be put ahead of her for once. He wanted to be the most important. 

It wasn't selfish. It was reasonable. 

Cameron had been putting him first for years. Since day one. It was only reasonable to want the same in return and time and again, he failed. He failed so fucking hard. 

With a heavy heart, one broken and healed within the same hour, he dug his phone from his jeans and hit two on his speed dial...number one was an unlisted number, but if anyone had to guess, they'd know whose it was, and listened until it was picked up. 

"Noel?" Layla answered with a startle. Her voice full of sleep and worry. 

He took one glance back at the house, at the only window that was lit, and said something that would set in motion the rest of his life. His happy life. The one he always wanted but was never brave enough. 

His voice was steady. "We need to talk."


	2. Civil

To Begin At The End  
Chapter Two

After their rumble in his foyer all those days ago, when they started out in a fight, ended up in a pity fuck, then finished it off with loving, meaningful sex...not to mention Cameron telling him to fuck off until he fixed what was wrong, Cameron wasn’t really sure if anything changed between them. Yeah, they shared more than one heated look when they were at work, but aside from that, it was all the same.

They came to work each day walking around each other like they were on eggshells. Whoever showed up first would offer an awkward hello to the other, then nothing. No more talking unless it was during a scene and this season, most of their scenes were together. The only good news was, their characters seemed to have a few issues now that they were married. It made it easier to work when you could be in a shitty mood in real life and on screen. 

At the end of each day, days that seemed to drag on forever, they’d give each other a look…almost like a dare, one daring the other to make another move and they never knew if that happened if it would be welcomed or not, but nothing ever did. They left separately, they didn’t text or call each other. 

Cameron told Lauren he cheated on her. When they got together he promised himself that there would be no secrets, including all the bad shit that needed to be kept secret. He didn’t tell her who it was that he was with, but he told her there was someone else. It felt good to get it off his chest and come clean but that feeling lasted seconds before they were fighting. No, before she was fighting; yelling at him, crying, trying to get him to own up to who it was, asking him if he loved her…because she assumed it was a woman and he didn’t correct her. That would lead to another fight and an even longer conversation. She was angry and hurt and didn’t talk to him for almost a week, but she didn’t leave him. 

Having been cheated on in the past by Peyton, he knew what it felt like. He knew how much it hurt...more so if you loved that person and make no mistake, Lauren loved him—even when he didn’t love her—he knew the trust that was lost could never be repaired all the way. It left a constant shadow of doubt. Every phone call or text was suddenly from the person you fucked, a run to the store that took five minutes longer than it normally did before he cheated meant he was out meeting them again...which was unrealistic but there all the same. During sex...which they didn’t have a lot of anymore, she’d look at him and he could see she was wondering if he was thinking about someone else. 

It was madness, but he understood it very well. Which is why he told himself he would never cheat on anyone he was with, and he hadn’t….until Noel. Being a single man fucking a married man was not him cheating, he was participating in Noel’s adulatory, which wasn’t much better than actually cheating, but he wasn’t the cheater in that story. Now he was and even when he enjoyed every moment with Noel, it still didn’t sit right with him. 

Aside from feeling a little guilty, and a little more than sexually satisfied, Noel hadn’t come to him about what he demanded. Noel hadn’t called or come over at two in the morning and said he left her, that he was the only one he wanted and that they could be together now. That hadn’t happened and it was eating away at him, making him think that Noel decided that it wasn’t worth fixing. It wasn’t like he could come right out and ask, that would make him seem desperate...which he was, but he didn’t want to appear weak like all those other times. He wouldn’t reach out first, he wouldn’t text first. 

Noel had to come to him of his own free will, without prompt or it wouldn’t matter. It was his move now. All Cameron had to do was wait and that was harder than not being together for almost a year. 

As he waited, holding his breath, hoping that each time he saw Noel, it would be THAT moment, Cameron went through the everyday parts of life. Between work, trying his hardest to do every scene to the best of his ability and with minimal pining, he juggled Lauren and that clusterfuck and went back to drinking. Whiskey helped those slow, drawn out days feel like he just blinked. It helped him get over Noel once, it could certainly do it again.

Cameron would pour a little into his coffee in the mornings at work just to get those tingly feelings to stop the moment his eyes landed on Noel. And he wasn’t just thinking about the sex during those times, but rather what he felt during it. Yeah, it was incredible as their sex always was, but he missed the connection most of all. He missed being so close to that person you love, to know without a doubt that they felt the same...it was something he couldn’t describe in words if you hadn’t felt it for yourself. He drank until those feelings died down and he could focus on work and try his best not to touch Noel more than he was supposed to, no gentle caresses or flirty looks, just work. 

It was exhausting. 

**  
In September, while things were still confusing for him and Lauren, and him and Noel, another issue arose. One that couldn’t be helped or put off or ignored. They had to do a sex scene for the show. Not just them bumping against each other for a moment or two, but an actual sex scene that required them to touch, to actually mimick them having sex. Something that hadn’t happened since the earlier seasons and it was way different for them then. 

At this point for their characters, they were still squabbling like an old married couple. It helped because he didn’t have to act happy on screen, he could act like he was in a shit mood, his real mood. And even in a bad mood, they still had to have sex.

God, he didn’t know how in the hell he was supposed to get through this without caving again and giving Noel what he wanted. 

They already sat at the table with Jude Weng, the producer for this specific episode and knew what they had to do and how to move and how not to move. It would just be the two of them, totally naked unless he wore a cock sock again...giving the illusion of privacy, but for the most part he would have to keep his body in check, to not get hard at the sight of him naked, or the feel of his skin, or the sounds he made.

Cameron was already struggling with it. 

“You good with this?” Noel asked once they were alone for a moment. 

A laugh bubbled up his throat. They were already naked, wearing robes until it was time, his cock was already half hard and Noel was asking if he was okay? Fuck no he wasn’t okay. He was anything besides okay. “Yeah, sure.” 

It was easier when they were a couple. It always came naturally for them. Now that they were fighting, it made everything awkward. He didn’t know how to act, or stand, or look, he didn’t know if he was supposed to fake the sounds he needed to make or make them as realistic as possible. Thank fuck there was no kissing yet, he knew for sure he couldn’t handle that right now.

The scene itself wasn’t very long and they would stop and fight before they even finished it out, like always. But this wasn’t him bending Noel over the side of a couch or against a boat like their previous scenes, this was face to fucking face, where he’d be able to see Noel’s eyes. 

“Alright, we are ready!” Weng said and made Cameron jump. “Go ahead and disrobe and get into position.”

Cameron was the first to strip down. He let the robe fall to the floor and walked naked towards the messy bed. From the corner of his eye, he could see Noel’s robe drop to the ground, revealing that perfect, glorious body. He didn’t look away until Noel moved to the other side of the bed and stopped, just like he did.

Their eyes met, both projecting the same fire, the same need.

“Okay, Noel, you lay down in your back, legs spread and Cameron, get up on your knees in front of him.” Weng guided, his voice as calm as ever. 

With no other choice, Cameron waited as Noel got onto the bed in the exact position he was told to. On his back, those incredible legs spread wide, welcoming him in, drawing his attention. Blue eyes met his from below, shining with anticipation and need. Cameron climbed on the bed with shaky legs, his palms flat against the bed to help keep him steady until he was settled where he needed to be, right between his thighs.

“Good, perfect.” Weng praised. “Okay, so Noel’s legs will be on your shoulders. Cameron, your right hand wrapped around his throat and the other on the bed beside his head.” 

Nodding, because he couldn’t trust his voice right now, Cameron put his hands on Noel’s ankles and pulled them until they were over each of his shoulders. He had to waddle forward a bit so the angle was right, only that put him right against his ass and his cock twitched in want. Noel felt it because he released a surprised gasp and Cameron felt him push down. 

“Cam.” Noel whispered, his hands moving down to rest on Cameron’s thighs. 

Cameron bit the inside of his cheek so he didn’t respond, then bent forward until his cock was pressed right against him, then put his right hand all the way around Noel’s throat, not squeezing but holding. His other hand went to the bed and he was now perfectly poised over him.

Countless times before this, Cameron had Noel in this exact position. It was a favorite of his, the angle was perfect to hit his prostate, easier even if there was a pillow tucked under his lower back, he had access to his legs, able to kiss and bite along his calves or the inside of his knees, he could see his face and every single look and emotion he felt, his eyes hazy and swimming in lust. That way, Noel was able to touch him, to grip his biceps every now and then because that’s something he always did, run his hands into his hair maybe. 

The position was perfect and it had been so long since it happened for them like that and all he wanted to do was lube up and push in and allow himself to feel all he needed to feel. 

“Okay, that’s excellent. Now, don’t forget your lines, and remember you two are fighting. This isn’t a happy moment for the boys. Don’t forget the position change with the dialogue, briefly. Then Cameron, after you deliver your last line, get up and walk out and Noel can say the rest before we cut. Okay?”

Cameron nodded. To Weng, he must seem calm and collected, he looked like a professional. To Noel, he must have looked as tense as his body felt but inside, inside he was screaming and begging for this not to happen. He didn’t want to simulate sex, he didn’t want to imagine what it could be like without the producer with them, when it was just them and the bed. 

“We can do this.” Noel whispered, squeezing Cameron’s arm. 

“Maybe.” He said in reply with total lack of confidence.

It was time. No more stalling. Cameron applied a little pressure to Noel’s throat, just enough to make it believable, then pulled his hips back and thrust forward, rutting against the inside of his thigh. The groan he gave in response was very, very real and a little embarrassing. So real that Noel’s eyes widened, staring up at him in shock. 

“Take that, you dirty convict.” Cameron said his line, only slightly cringing on how bad it was. He was too preoccupied trying not to get fully hard. 

“I thought you weren’t gonna fuck me until I got a real job.” Noel said his line right after, his voice shaky as if he was in fact feeling all those thrusts. 

Cameron moved his other hand without thinking, he kept thrusting and put his palm on the other side of Noel’s cheek, caressing it as he delivered his next line. Blue eyes never left his, not after that, not as Noel said his next smart ass line and he said his and back and forth until the end. 

Each time he looked down, even if it was just for a split second, he could see how hard Noel was, pressed between his thighs on his lower belly. He wasn’t just hard, but pulsing out wetness that slid across his belly button. Cameron wanted to use his other hand, the one not on Noel’s throat and reach between them to jerk him off until he came with a shocked moan. He wanted it so bad his body was shaking. 

Before he could, it was time to switch. Noel moved fast, getting up off his back and behind him within seconds. Cameron fell against the bed, grabbing at the sheet to hide his erection as Noel did by shielding it with one thigh. Their next set of lines were delivered quickly , Mickey wanted to flip fuck with Ian and Ian saying no, and all Cameron could do was stare at how big his chest looked. Much larger than the last time he saw him, as if he spent his entire time in the gym. 

“Okay, we’re done.” Cameron said in an irritated huff and swung his legs off the bed and walked past the camera, hard as a damn rock, and into the hallway as Noel said his lines directly after. As soon as he could, he shielded himself instantly and grabbed the robe that was offered to him, then paced the narrow hallway until Weng said ‘cut’ loudly and ended the scene. 

“Damn, you guys got it on the first try this time.” Weng said with a smile. “Give me a second to watch it and I’ll see if we need to go again or not.”

Cameron nodded but didn’t speak. He was panting shallowly, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth trying to calm down, to will his erection away before he embarrassed himself even further. That’s when Noel joined him in the hallway, naked until he too was handed a robe and it felt like he put it on in slow motion. 

“I guess we aren’t gonna talk about that.” Noel pointed back towards the room, then thumbed the side of his mouth. 

“No, we aren’t.” Cameron turned away from him because he could still see how hard he was even with the robe on. “You know how it is. Too much friction, it can’t be helped.”

Noel smiled. “I guess that could be it. But I was hard remembering the last time we fucked like that.”

His eyes widened so quickly it felt like the skin around them tore. He moved across the hall and almost covered his mouth with his hand. “Will you keep your fucking voice down? Shit travels way too fast around here.”

Blue eyes lowered for a moment before meeting Cameron’s. “No one is here.”

There was no one there, like, at all, yet that creeping sensation of paranoia was there in an instant. “You shouldn’t be thinking about that anyway. I’m sure your wife wouldn’t appreciate it.”

Noel clenched his teeth but didn’t take the bait. “It’s hard not to think like that when you make the same damn sounds you do in real life. Maybe you need to handle that.”

Without wanting to be caught standing too close to him, Cameron backed off and nervously tightened the robe around his body. He kept his back to Noel because he was still hard, not as hard, but definitely noticeable if you looked and Noel would look. 

This was the first they said more than ten words to each other since that night at his house, not including talking for work purposes. There had been no texting or calling or hellos when they saw each other. Just nothing. And now they were talking about sex. It was hard to keep up. 

“Like I said, friction is a bitch.” Cameron huffed, letting that be his only excuse. A shitty one, yes, but it was all he had at the moment. “Hopefully we don’t have to do that shit again.” 

He could still feel Noel all over him. How his cock felt against his thigh, how he felt Noel swallow under his palm, how he felt the groans as well, vibrating his throat. Noel’s hands on his thighs or his arms, the way his eyes looked as they darkened. He felt everything as if they were still pressed together and that was dangerous. It made him want it again and again when he wasn’t supposed to have it. It made him want to reach out. 

“So, about what we talked about…” Noel said, capturing Cameron’s attention.

Before Cameron could ask what the hell he was talking about, Weng poked his head out of the bedroom. “You guy did amazing, we are good.”

Cameron let out a deep breath and all but ran away from the both of them. He didn’t want Weng to change his mind about not doing another take and he didn’t want to get into another fight with Noel. If Noel had done what he said he was gonna do, he wouldn’t need to be so cryptic about how he worded it. Meaning it didn’t happen and things were still the same.

More of the same required a drink. 

He bolted for his trailer, knowing Noel would follow because they shared a big trailer that was cut into two pieces, separated only by a wall. No adjoining door but their doors were literally next to each other’s. No doubt Noel would come knocking on his within moments.

And he did.

Cameron ignored it as he grabbed the hidden whiskey bottle and sat on a chair and chugged it until his throat burned. He drank to chase away the feel of Noel on his body, the smell in his nose, the sounds echoing inside his mind. He drowned out the images of them together like that, making the headboard beat against the wall, leaving their marks on the other, leaving an everlasting impression. 

“Just let me in.” Noel beat on the door again. 

“I can’t.” Cameron said after a moment, his throat screaming as it burned. “Not after that. Just leave me alone.”

“I won’t do anything, promise.”

Even knowing Noel couldn’t see him, he shook his head. If Noel kept his word and didn’t try anything, Cameron could be damn sure that he would try something himself and they’d end up back where they started and that wouldn’t help. The emotional baggage he felt after sex didn’t seem worth it anymore. 

Cameron moved towards the door, his hand hovering above the handle, wanting to open it, but didn’t. “Go, just go.”

Noel sighed and the knocking stopped. “If you wanna talk, just talk, you know where to find me.”

Yeah, he knew where to find Noel, he was where he always was...with her. 

**

It was mid October when things started to even out all around. Lauren was finally off his back about his little slip, she didn’t forgive him of course but she stopped asking him who he was on the phone with all the time. Sex had gotten better, leaving them exhausted and him mildly sated without her giving him that look. They fell into a rhythm once again to fit both of their schedules. 

Work seemed to be going okay too. After that sex scene, things had been tense for awhile and Noel wouldn’t even look at him, let alone knock on his door. It lasted a few days but Noel stopped acting all distant like before, even smiling once or twice at him for no reason. Cameron didn’t smile back of course but he couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards. They became friends again, kind of. Getting coffee on breaks or sitting at the same table during lunch or table reads, even went out for drinks once with Jeremy when they’d both been asked. They didn’t sit next to each other or leave together but they were tolerating each other’s presence… it was a step forward.

At night, when he was alone and with no one to judge him, he played back that scene, changing a few things until it became real in his mind and they were fucking like they needed it to stay alive. It was so real, it felt like Noel was touching him instead of him touching himself. Yeah, it was a guilty pleasure and he did feel bad after he came but it was incredible while it lasted. 

Cameron cut back on the drinking. Saving it for when he got home after a long day instead of needing it just to get through the long day. Two very different things that Jeremy noticed but didn’t point out. Cameron knew that there would be a talk between them eventually...mostly Jeremy wanting to know if there needed to be another intervention, but that could happen later when it was time. 

It all happened just in time for the promo shoot for season eleven. Due to COVID-19, they and the producers had restrictions for locations so they were in an empty warehouse at the studio and had a simple layout. Masks were required of course, as was the six feet apart thing, which they all kept to and of course they put Noel by him again. Their chairs were next to each other’s and across from everyone else’s, which gave them privacy that hadn’t been needed since they weren’t talking much these days, but it was different today.

“Guess this is easier than last year for the shoot, hmm?” Noel spoke first, keeping his voice down so only Cameron could hear him. “At least you won’t have to pick me up this time.”

Before he remembered he was supposed to be broody and stoic, he replied as he used to. “That wasn’t so bad. The outfits were rather revealing though.” At that, he saw Noel smile under his mask, the corners of his eyes crinkling and he realized what he said. “Guess this is better.”

“That’s debatable.” Noel replied, trying to bait him but Cameron wasn’t going to give in. And when he didn’t reply to it, Noel continued. “I liked those pants you wore. They fit you very well.”

Don’t take the bait. Don’t take the bait. 

“Better than the spandex they put you in.” Cameron said against his will, as if his mind didn’t give a shit what his brain just said. Deep down he wanted the interaction with him, he wanted the back and forth, like they used to have. “Those were practically painted on.”

Noel grinned. “Easier to take off, hm?”

Cameron looked down, avoiding his eyes so he didn’t see the fire that burned in them. Yes, spandex had been easier to take off than on. The only thing he had to do to get to his skin was peel them off like a glove, revealing his sweaty, flushed body and he’d spent that next hour showing him how much he loved that outfit. 

The longer it took him to respond, to jump in with a comeback, the more awkward it became until crickets practically chirped around them. Cameron stood up, pulling at the leather jacket until a whoosh of air slid up his sleeves, his body was heating, his skin prickling. He needed to go. “If they need me, I’ll be outside.” 

“Cam.”

He was halfway to the door before he stopped, pausing for a moment before he kept walking. He wove around everyone, dug into his jeans for his pack of cigarettes and slipped outside before someone could call him back in. He pulled down his mask and took a deep breath of fresh air and before he had the time to exhale, the door was being opened and Noel walked through… just like the last time. 

“Yeah?” He said instead of blowing him off.

“We gonna talk?”

Cameron turned and Noel was leaning up against the wall, his bare arms crossed over the leather vest. Damn that vest. “What do we need to talk about?”

“Maybe what happened at your place, or the sex scene.” Noel said as if Cameron didn’t know. “We haven’t talked about it at all.” 

He watched him through a cloud of smoke. “Unless you have something to tell me, and you know damn well what that is, we don’t have much to say to each other.” 

Noel nodded, his head down in defeat. “Did you tell her?”

“Yeah, I did.” He shook his head at Noel’s surprised look. “I’m done with secrets, in all my relationships and friendships. I didn’t give her the details but I told her it happened.”

“And are you still together?”

As he nodded, he could see Noel’s spirit dim. Had he hoped Lauren dumped him because of it? Was that the entire point of Noel coming to him that day? It seemed sinister in a way that Noel had never been before. It could just be a coincidence but he just wasn’t sure anymore.

“It was rough for a while, she doesn’t trust me like she used to and I hurt her but we are still together.” 

He didn’t tell her that he occasionally jerked off to whatever image his mind conjured up of Noel. Mostly about them fucking face to face again, about his eyes, the soft way he said his name….his weakness.

Noel couldn’t sit still a moment longer and pushed off the wall to pace, his emotions flying across his face before he could hide them. “Guess only love allows shit like that to happen, right? Otherwise it would be over.”

Cameron tossed his cigarette to the ground and blew the last bit of smoke into the air as he walked closer to him. He could see his eyes looking watery again. “One sided love, maybe. If I loved her you can trust that I never would have fucked you that night.” 

It was out in the open. Noel now knew that he didn’t love Lauren. Why he ever believed it was a mystery. If you looked close enough, you could tell it wasn’t love for him, it never would be. Saying out in the open, to someone outside the relationship made it real. He might be with her, but she didn’t have him. No one but Noel had him. 

“We can still be friends, if that’s all you want.” Cameron offered and knew it stung to be tossed into the friends only zone, he’d be stuck there many times before. “I think it’s the only thing we can be unless shit changes and I’m not really optimistic that it’ll happen.”

“And if it did, would you leave her just like that?” Noel asked, not realizing that he was nearly stepping on Cameron’s toes. 

“Yeah, I would.” Cameron answered honestly, meeting his eyes without fear or hesitation. He’d always been all in but he could only go so far when Noel refused to meet him halfway. “I guess it’s your move.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.” Noel said and before Cameron could move away, he rose up on his toes, cupped the side of his face and kissed him. 

Cameron swayed on his feet in an instant, leaning forward until Noel was being backed against the wall. By the time he realized what was happening, their heads were already tilted to deepen the kiss. He pulled back, not surprised when Noel tried to chase after him for a minute. 

“Friends don’t do that.” Cameron said and touched his mouth, feeling it tingle.

Noel touched his mouth too, his eyes closed like he was trying to relive it again and again. “Sometimes I forget.”

Cameron laughed. “No, you don’t.” Noel smiled, confirming that he hadn’t forgotten a damn thing and just wanted a kiss. “We should get back inside before Steve comes out again.” 

Noel left first, blue eyes still hazy and Cameron took a moment to watch his ass as he moved. He swallowed thickly, licked his lips once to taste him, then followed him inside and hoped this turned out better than that damn sex scene. 

***

Cameron threw his phone across his house, watching with watery eyes as it shattered against the nearest wall and fell into a dozen pieces on the floor. He screamed at the top of his lungs, until they burned, until the sobs stuck in his throat made him take a breathless inhale. 

It had been at least a week since Noel kissed him outside the studio, a week since they seemed to be getting closer as friends again. When it all seemed like it was going well, something had to come in and mess it all up.

October 18th, Noel posted a picture of him and Layla together...a photo for the ‘together apart’ series that showed couples together during quarantine.

Noel and Layla together. 

If that wasn’t like a knife being twisted in his already damaged heart, he didn’t know what was.

Why he thought things were changing...he had no idea, but one thing was clear, Noel was still with her, she was still with him and Cameron was still alone. It didn’t matter if he was with Lauren, he was all alone.


	3. Carmel

To Begin at the End  
Chapter Three- Carmel 

Just when he thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, work screwed him over big time. They had a scene together, them naked in the bath, pretending to enjoy themselves. It looked painful before they got in, but add in Noel being naked and his body got with the program when it wasn’t supposed to. Cameron had to talk his erection down when Noel bolted out of the tub, naked and slippery, teasing the fuck out of him. Then when he caught up to Noel in the hallway of the Gallagher house, their characters had a bit of a spat and they ended up shoving each other around, the small space filled with sexual tension, it radiated from their bodies. Then they engaged in a seriously heavy make out session. And as mad at Noel as he was, he couldn’t not enjoy it. He put everything he had left into that scene, leaning his body along Noel’s, gripping his hair, his jaw, he even tried to lift him but only succeeded in pulling Noel’s hips against his own in a rough, breathtaking grind, taking control of the kiss as Noel moaned into his mouth, pulling on his shoulders and his hair and utterly wrecking him.

When he’d gotten the script he was surprised. Their characters hadn’t done anything like that this season, save for one five seconds sex scene. He read it over and over again and tried to play it in his mind and tried to convince himself that he wasn’t excited, that he had no right to be excited. It was technically just a kiss but for them, there was never just a kiss. It meant so much more. 

They hadn’t kissed like that on the show in years. It felt like that for real too, but they’d done more than just kiss the last time they were together. Fucking pretty much trumps any other action, kissing included. But that kiss, it was hot enough for him to replay constantly, mindlessly beating off to it like he was fifteen again and crushing on his much older co-star. Not even having to have sex with Lauren could compete with that kiss.

Noel surprised him with his ferocity during that kiss. Cameron could feel his need. It came off him in desperate waves, each one stronger than the last, threatening to knock him on his feet. Noel had always been a passionate kisser but this...it was so much more. Those little sounds he made, soft, whimpering sounds right against his lips, the feel of him through that towel, hard right up against him. It urged him on, tempted him to meet him with just as much passion as he felt.

Cameron thought about it a lot, mostly at inappropriate times. It usually always happened when Lauren was there for some reason, or when he was about to go to sleep and he was forced to sit still and relax, but he was still mad at Noel. He shoved all those thoughts away and put up a wall of hate and annoyance that kept him company as it had many times before. One kiss could not unhinge him like that, he refused to let it happen.

He couldn’t daydream of kissing Noel when he was already daydreaming about strangling him. He was a whirlwind of mixed emotions.

After that picture with Noel and Layla looking very much like the happy couple they pretended to be, Cameron had pretty much been keeping to himself. He didn’t leave the house unless it was for work, or to pick up his groceries from the store, maybe out for a quick run, but that was it. It wasn’t like there were many places to go, COVID was still having a big impact in LA and he didn’t want to go out and run the risk of catching it because then he couldn’t even work to keep himself occupied. 

At work, Cameron could see that Noel messed up with that picture. One look at him the next morning and they both knew whatever they decided last night, even after sharing that kiss, that they were back on rocky ground. Noel hasn’t personally posted it, but he did repost it and that was pretty much the same thing. And Noel regretted it, Cameron could see that just by looking at him. Not to mention Noel trying to stop him during breaks at work, trying to explain. He was probably calling his phone too but Cameron blocked his number. 

Noel was back to playing games. 

When he was feeling low after work that day, Cameron did what he seldomly did and went on social media to spy. Noel was quiet, Layla was quiet, probably them fighting—or he could hope—or them just feeling whatever tension was between them. Lauren wasn’t so quiet, she posted “come cuddle me” and tagged him in it, he didn’t reply because she wasn’t who he wanted to cuddle , but Noel would see it and it would get on his nerves. He’d see it, that was a guarantee because Noel stalked him just as much as he stalked Noel. 

On Halloween, only a few short days after that entire mess, Cameron was a wreck. One picture shouldn’t impact his life so much and yet it had. He drank a little more again, avoided people, kept quiet at work. But it was Halloween and Lauren suggested they spend it together. To be honest, he didn’t care about Halloween or any other holiday, but they got together at his house, carved a few pumpkins, ate a shit load of candy, then put on silly costumes and took a few pictures. Well, she took some of him, he didn’t take a single one of her and the only picture of them together made it seem like they were in agony. 

They didn’t spend the night together, they didn’t have sex. He told her he wasn’t feeling well and she left without so much as a kiss goodbye. Might as well. He was feeling it anymore. Spending him with her was becoming a burden now, he only did it to get some ass and make Noel jealous but it wasn’t worth it anymore. He had better things to do like pine over someone who didn’t want him and drunk until he passed out. Those seemed way more important than whatever they had together. 

In November, he and Noel received their scripts for an upcoming episode, one that was at least two weeks away from being filmed and the second they looked at it, they looked at each other with wide, fearful eyes. Layla’s name was on it, as a cast member. She was going to be in their show...with them. To say Cameron was furious was an understatement, he was livid, he was murderous. That God awful woman had everything he wanted and it still wasn’t good enough, she was barging in on their show, on his time with Noel. It didn’t matter if they were fishing or not, Shameless had always been for them and she was now apart of it. Noel wasn’t mad per say, but he was something, stressed maybe. Later that day, Cameron saw Noel arguing with Shanola about the script, she was set to direct it and either she knew about Layla or she helped set the entire thing up because after Noel was done biting her head off, he left for the day. 

Over the years she had been on set more than once. Coming to see Noel, inviting herself to a few cast dinners that had been set up for only the cast. No one else brought their husbands or wives or girlfriends, at least not until after she showed up. Back then, they’d been nervous to have her around because they were trying so hard to keep their relationship a secret. Now she was going to actually be in their show, not just on the sidelines. Only now, they didn’t have to worry about keeping that secret because it was over between them.

That night, Cameron drank until he passed out and woke up with one killer hangover. The first thing he did was look at the script again, hoping maybe he read the name wrong or dreamt it all up. But no, she was still there. 

Things didn’t start to turn around again until mid November. Nearly an entire month had passed with hardly any contact. Work didn’t count, Cameron did what he needed to do, what was required, then got as far away from Noel as possible. Noel noticed, because he watched him bolt away like his ass was on fire but he didn’t chase after him anymore. He didn’t follow him and try to talk only to get dismissed. Cameron kind of wished he kept trying because that was effort, but nothing meant that maybe Noel had given up for good this time.

They didn’t talk about Layla. 

The holidays were coming up, Thanksgiving to be exact, a time for family and friends, to eat and drink and be happy together. Well, not for him. He and his mom had a falling out years ago, he couldn’t even remember what the reason was for this time. Friends were out because most of them had their own families to deal with and with the pandemic making that difficult, they took whatever time they had for family. Then there was Lauren, he considered trying to spend time with her, maybe repair what had been damaged over the last month, but she was in Florida with her family. 

Unsure what to do with himself, Cameron did as he always did, he worked, stocked up on food, jerked off to old pictures of Noel he kept in another phone, but that was it. Work was work, only now with her gone for a moment it felt a little different. Like she wasn’t breathing down his neck and watching every move he made. He enjoyed the last couple of days there before the time off, he wasn’t as moody and grouchy, he ate lunch with Ethan and Emma a few times on set, had a conversation about kids with Jeremy. It was more than he’d done in two months. 

It was progress. 

It was a few days before the actual holiday, when Cameron finally stopped running from Noel. They finished a scene they had to do, alone instead of with the rest of the cast, and after, Cameron didn’t automatically head for his trailer. He took his time, trying not to rush it all because rushing is all he felt like he was doing all the time, and Noel took advantage of that situation and used it to the best of his ability. 

Noel used it to strike up a conversation. 

Cameron bent down, picking up his water bottle when Noel walked over, his face soft, eyebrows relaxed, like he was afraid of what might happen. “What is it?”

“Can we talk for a second?” Noel asked softly. 

“We are talking.” Cameron said sarcastically but with no annoyance. Frankly, he was just tired. “Did you want to talk about the scene?”

Noel shook his head. “No, so it’s probably a good idea if we don’t do this out in the open.”

Around them everyone was still working. The Gallagher house set was alive with activity, people coming and going and filming and taking, pointing. They could be seen there, filmed by someone if they weren’t careful. Whatever Noel needed or wanted to talk about would require privacy but he didn’t want anything private. That meant alone and then alone was never a good thing. 

“If we can’t talk about it with people around, we shouldn’t be talking about it.” Cameron twisted the cap on his bottle, trying to keep his hands busy. “So?”

Noel shifted, looking back and forth, then took a step closer. “I didn’t know she was going to be in the show.”

Cameron clenched his teeth. Yeah, this talk was happening. 

“I swear I didn’t know. She never said anything to me and I haven’t talked to her in awhile.” Noel continued, keeping his voice down. “I know that’s not the only reason you’ve been avoiding me but I wanted to make sure you knew.”

They hadn’t talked in awhile? What was that about? They lived together. You’d have to make an effort not to talk to someone you live with, someone you’re married to. He didn’t know what to make of that and he knew he would dread the response if he just bit the bullet and asked. 

“I believe you,” Cameron said just as quietly. Noel looked shocked, his eyebrows active on his face. That hadn't been what he’d expected. “At least with this I do.”

“Why?”

“I saw you fighting with Shanola just after we got the scripts. I didn’t know what all was said but I know you were mad and upset with her. My guess is because she’s behind it, the reason she’s gonna be on the show now.” Cameron couldn’t say her name, he just couldn’t. Not if he wanted to keep his breakfast down. “But you don’t own me an explanation. Whatever concerns her doesn’t concern me anymore.”

Noel sighed heavily. “Can I also apologize about that picture then?”

Cameron looked away this time. 

“You probably won’t believe me but that was taken way, way at the beginning of the year. Way before we started talking again. I wasn’t told when it would be posted.”

“But you did repost it.” Cameron stated, leaving no room for argument. “Which is fine, gotta do what you gotta do I suppose.”

“Damn it, will you just stop?” Noel met Cameron’s eyes, wondering if his conveyed all that he was feeling at that moment. “We both know certain things have to be done and said and posted and that was one of them. It wasn’t like I just left your house to pose for a picture.”

That’s exactly what it felt like but he knew better. In the picture, Noel was a ginger again, meaning it had to be during the off season or a long break. Noel was probably telling the truth about the when, after January they’d been done with filming and he hadn’t had to color his hair for a while. The when was important but it hadn’t made a difference at that time, it hurt, plain and simple. 

“I guess I believe that too, even when I didn’t at the time.” Cameron finally answered. He couldn’t just stand there and talk anymore, he started walking off set, towards their trailers and Noel followed. “I might have handled it better if we hadn’t…” he looked around but there were too many people. “Well, you know.”

Noel nodded, hands stuffed into his pockets. 

“Well, anyway. Is that all you wanted to talk about?” Cameron asked, now standing outside his trailer. He was blocking the steps, making sure Noel knew he wasn’t welcome. 

“Yeah, I guess that’s all of it.” Noel replied sadly and started walking backwards. He knew his face, his emotions were showing just how messed up he was right then. “Thanks for the talk.”

Cameron nodded. “Thanks for telling me.”

Noel left without another word and Cameron wanted to rush after him and make that kicked puppy look go away. It was funny how the entire time he’d been upset over what Noel did and now it seemed that Noel was just as upset because of it. More so even because he knew he would think that picture just happened. When that wasn’t the case. 

Did that mean he couldn’t be mad anymore? Did that mean he had to throw Noel a bone and start trying to repair their fucked up friendship instead of trying to ignore what they had? Once again, he had no idea one way or another and he hadn’t been a great judge of character as of late...especially when Noel was involved. He needed an outside opinion, someone who wasn’t as close to it all as he was. 

As if he had a divine gift, Jeremy was calling his phone. Cameron considered not answering it but that seemed blasphemous somehow. He answered it as he dug into one of the smaller cabinets and grabbed a half empty bottle of whiskey and a cup. “Are you a mind reader?”

Jeremy laughed. “I suppose you could call it that. More like I just saw you and Fisher in what I know was a heated, but awkward conversation.”

Great, that’s why Noel didn’t want to do that out in the open. If Jeremy saw, there was a chance other people did too. It was a risk and he didn’t care about it because he convinced himself he was out but he knew it was just a lie. He would never be out, he would never be done. 

“Thought you might wanna talk about it.”

“Yeah, I kinda do. Was thinking I needed to call you when you already called me.” Cameron was already on his seconds glass and he was still perched, his throat dry and scratchy. So he drank another. “How much do you know or wanna know?”

“I know things used to be going okay, before the holidays. Then something happened.”

“Yeah, it did.” Cameron leaned back on the sofa, empty glass in hand. “He kissed me just before Halloween. At work. Claimed it was an accident but we know better. We weren’t okay or anything but it was better than nothing.”

“Then it went to shit. This about that picture of Noel and Layla?”

Cameron laughed. Of course Jeremy saw it, the entire world saw it. It made his stomach turn. But that could have been the alcohol in an empty stomach. “Yeah, it was like a kick in the teeth. Fucked my shit up again. Then that shit with Layla being on the show, that…” he sighed. “I’d rather be tortured.”

“Yeah, we didn’t expect that. It was a dick move for her and Shanola. I can’t even imagine what that’s gotta be like.” Jeremy said sympathetically. “Did he say anything?”

“He did today. That’s what we were talking about. He said he didn’t know about it until we got the script and I believe him. I saw him practically taking her head off the next day and he ghosted all of our scenes.”

“And the picture?”

“Told me it was earlier this year before we started talking again I believe that too. I looked again and I can see it’s older.”

“Well, I think that’s a step in the right direction.” Jeremy stayed quiet for a moment, then had to say something. “Look, I kinda got something to tell you and it’s big. Like, life changing big.”

Cameron sat up, eyes narrowed. It wasn’t like him to be vague like that. “Okay…”

“But before I tell you and change your life up like a bad game of Tetris, I wanna know what you actually want. With him, I mean. It kinda seemed like you moved on with Lauren, but you still get that thousand yard stare when you look at him. Obviously there is still something there or else you wouldn’t care about the picture or Layla working here.”

“Of course I care, Jer. I’ve loved him for close to a decade. I fought like hell to get what I wanted, what I knew we both wanted and got my heart carved out on multiple occasions. And you know what, I’d still do it again, even knowing that he chose her over me...again.”

“Okay, well that’s what I wanted to hear.” Jeremy paused for a moment, wanting to word it the right way. “I can tell already that Noel didn’t tell you but I think you should know.”

God, people only said stuff like that when it was serious. Life and death serious, about to get married serious—which had already happened, break up serious—again, which he already suffered through. There wasn’t much left to be serious about. 

“Look, it’s been a long fucking year for me and it’s not getting much better. Just tell me whatever the hell it is so I can work through the blowback.” He poured another drink and could practically hear the drama in Jeremy’s voice before he spoke. “Save the drama.”

“If you’re not in the mood for drama, then brace yourself my friend. Noel hasn’t been living at home since the middle of September. I don’t know what happened to make him leave after all these years, but he ain’t living there.”

Cameron was so shocked that his hand tensed and he dropped his phone. It landed at his feet and before he could bounce away, he reached down and snatched it up. “Say that one more time.”

Jeremy laughed. “Noel isn’t living with Layla anymore. He hasn’t been for months.”

“How do you know?” Cameron asked, his heart in his throat. “Like, how can you be sure? Maybe he just stayed at a friends house or something.”

“He didn’t just stay at a friends house. He got change of address forms from the post office and had to turn them into Human Resources. I was there when they asked him if he wanted to use it as his permanent address and he said yes.”

Fuck, Noel left. He really left, just like he said he would. If the timeline was right, it happened shortly after they had sex at his house and he kicked Noel out on his ass and told him to fix it. Was this him fixing it? Did he finally leave because wanted them to be together? And why hadn’t he said anything about it?

“Cam, you still there?”

“No,” Cameron asked without thinking, then shook his head when he realized what he said. “Yeah, I’m here. Just trying to figure out what that means.”

“It means he isn’t with her anymore.” Jeremy laughed. “Isn’t this what you wanted to happen the entire time?”

Was it? Wasn’t it? That was the entire reason he finally broke it off for good. Noel was always going to be with her and if he was, there was no room for him. There had never been any room for him. But now? It looked like there might be a little room. 

“Yeah, it is.” Cameron stood and set the cup down, disinterested in drinking it. He paced the small spaced and wished he could smoke inside. “But why? What the fuck?”

“Yeah, you got me there. I’ve been rooting for you this entire time man, all those years I wanted you to get what you wanted. But I’ll admit to be skeptical, because he could never fully commit to it and that just sucks.” Jeremy sighed, wondering if he was going too far. “His actions spoke volumes, as this does now.”

Jeremy had always been on his side. Cameron didn’t disclose everything to his long time friend, partly because it was all too painful, but he’d been there. He’d been his shoulder to cry on, his drinking buddy when he needed to get out of his house and his head, his soundboard, bouncing ideas off him about life and life and risks and rewards. It sounded cheesy in the best way, but Jeremy had been his rock through it all. 

“Did something happen around that time that would make him change his mind after all this time? He wouldn’t just alter his entire life like that unless he thought it would be worth it. Unless he could see the ending.”

Cameron went back to the sofa and sat down, then stood back up in seconds, then sat down and stayed there. “Yeah, earlier in the year, when we got back on set, he confronted me about Lauren and all those details. Why I up and left him, what it all meant, why I was the way I was then. I told him, but you’d think after all this time he’d just know.”

“Yeah, I did bring up that he assumed you two would fall into place as soon as this season started back up. I assume you told him that wasn’t the case?”

“I told him. Be should have known it wouldn’t be the same, but I told him. We kinda argued about it at work until Steve interrupted us. He tried to talk again after work but I avoided him and went home. Lauren came over, she wanted to have sex but I didn’t, so I walked her out and Noel was standing outside my door.”

“Oh, that’s karma. You gotta see Layla all the time with Noel and he got to see you with her.”

Cameron smiled a little because it was karma. Not a lot, but enough to make a difference. “I locked him out, he found the key and told me we were going to talk. Well, we ended up fighting again, like we always do, and it got really heated and intense…” he trailed off when heat spiked down his body, reminding him of the ecstasy he felt that night and how bad he wanted it again. “It kinda got out of hand.”

“Damn, dude, you guys had sex?” 

“I wouldn’t even call it sex to begin with. I was mad, he was desperate. It was a total hate fuck. I was working on autopilot and he didn’t seem to care.” Cameron scrubbed over his tired face. He needed to go home and sleep it off. “I told him to enjoy it because it would never happen again. He started to cry, making me feel like a total prick. I couldn’t keep going, not with him like that, so it changed. Into what it always was with us.”

“And suddenly it wasn’t a hate fuck anymore.” Jeremy finished his train of thought. “I’ve done that a time or two and it’s not pretty. I knew something changed between you two after that. You seemed better, I guess is the word.”

“Yeah it was better, but not really. When it was over I basically told him to get the fuck out and don’t talk to me again unless he fixed it.” Guilt came fast, washing across his body. “That’s as far as it went for me, though. He never said he left, or was attempting to fix anything. Then that damn picture showed up and it was like a slap in the face.”

“Well, that seemed to be the kick in the ass he needed because a week or so later is when all that shit happened. He did it, man. He really fucking did it.”

Cameron smiled, his heart beating in that giddy way it had since he met Noel all those years ago. The same way it always would for him. He was filled with hope, with love. “What do I do about it? Do I confront him and tell him that I know? Do I let us work it out for the millionth time?”

“This time is different. He’s not just sneaking around. He left. That means something is happening. He knows what he wants. I have no idea why he didn’t tell you, or maybe he tried but you didn’t want to listen to him.”

He could recall a time, right after that sex scene, where his emotions were scratching the surface and he left as soon as possible before someone figured him out. Before that, Noel had been trying to talk to him about what they “talked” about, but he didn’t connect the dots. Honestly, he hadn’t had high hopes for Noel doing the right thing by him, he never had before. 

“Maybe you should take some time and think about this, think about what to do. I would tell you to go for it because this is what you’ve been waiting for, but it’s up to you.”

Outside, he heard the door next to his open, Noel’s door. It slammed closed a moment later. He wanted to barge in there and get his answers, but then what? He didn’t know what to do because this had never happened before. 

“And what about Lauren?” Cameron asked, ignoring the sounds he heard through the wall. 

“What about her?” Jeremy laughed. “You might be able to fool Noel but not me. I know you’re not into that shit. You can fake it damn well but I know. You’re only keeping her around to make him jealous and keep you busy.”

Damn, Jeremy did know him pretty well. 

“Yeah, but do I just ditch her now? Assume this moving out shit with Noel will stick? What if it doesn’t?”

“Like I said, you need to think about this and talk to him about it all before you do something rash like that. You two need to be on the same page about it.” 

“Maybe.” Cameron said as he stood and moved to the adjoining wall. He put his ear against it but couldn’t hear much. But it was like he could feel Noel on the other side. “Thanks for telling me. It changes everything.”

“It needed to change everything. Just tread carefully. You two won’t get any more chances to fuck this up. Let me know if you need to talk later about it.”

“I will, thanks,” Cameron ended the call and slid his phone into his pocket. 

He could spend hours thinking about what it meant, days even. Dissecting every little detail until he drove himself crazy. But why when all the answers he needed were right next to him? He needed to go over there and ask, to talk it out and gain some perspective. And he did. Without thinking about anything else, not about the consequences of all the doubts he had, he opened his door, walked two feet over and knocked on Noel’s door. He didn’t wait for an answer, just twisted the knob and let himself in.

He should have knocked. Noel was standing at the small sink, shirtless, drinking what looked to be coffee and wore a bewildered look on his face. Cameron shut the door and did his best not to openly stare or gape at him like a fish. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Cameron asked outright and watched shock roll across Noel’s face. “Why?”

Noel said his coffee down and tried to cover his body by crossing his arms. It didn’t work, but at least he could say he tried. “I was trying to tell you after we did that sex scene. You didn’t want to talk to me.”

“If I’d have known you wanted to talk about that and not the scene then I would have stayed. I thought you wanted to talk about the scene itself and I wasn’t ready for that.” Just thinking about it got his body hot, working up a sweat. “You could have told me any other time.”

“What’s it matter now? It’s clear you don’t want anything to do with me anymore, even when I explained what happened with Layla.” 

The defensiveness was expected after all they’d been through over the past few months. Yeah, he did shut Noel out at every turn because he thought nothing changed and talking about that’s ifs wouldn’t help anything. It would just make it harder to deal with and if it got any harder, Cameron wasn’t sure he could handle it. So he didn’t. 

“Because it fucking matters.” Cameron stepped closer, watching him shift because of it. “That’s the only thing in the entire universe that I wanted. You know that and what it means.”

Noel shook his head. “No, I don’t know what that means.”

Cameron finally walked the rest of the way to him, not admiring his body when he could have, but watching his eyes and how they watered, how scared he was. Unsure of what would happen. “You know what it means, Noel.” He cupped his face, feeling the scratch of his five o’clock showdown against his palms when Noel leaned against it. He leaned down, licking his lips just before he pressed theirs together. Noel let out a breathless whine, one that made its way through his entire body. 

Taking it slow, Cameron kissed him again when they pulled apart and he could meet Noel’s watery eyes. Like he couldn’t believe what was happening. This time Noel lifted on his toes to kiss him back, his hands moving up to his face, softly caressing his neck, his jaw. Cameron melted into it, he leaned against him, pushing him back against the counter. It was heated and passionate but slow and certain for once and when he pulled back, Noel didn’t try to chase his mouth for more. 

“Why now?” Cameron asked, studying his face as he stroked over his cheek with his thumb. “After all this time, why did you do it now?”

“I was tired of not being happy, of not getting what I wanted, who I wanted.” Noel kissed Cameron’s palm, his eyes closing for a moment. “This time it was clear that if I didn’t fix it, I would lose you for good and that scared me. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life.”

Cameron kissed him again, a short, sure kiss. “I can’t believe you did it.”

Noel smiled, but his tears got caught in Cameron’s palm. “I didn’t do it all the way, but it’s a start. I don’t know if I’m ready to just tell everyone yet, but I’m ready to be happy.”

“I don’t know if I wanna tell them either, at least not now. Not when it’s finally just us.” Cameron didn’t kiss him again, but brought Noel forward into his chest, their arms wrapping around each other. He sighed at the feeling. “This needs to go slowly, okay? We can’t just jump back into it again.”

“Yeah, that hasn’t worked so well before.” Noel nuzzled his chest, breathing deeply. “I’d be fine with just us talking again.”

“I would too.” Cameron smiled for a moment before it slipped. “Did you tell her you just wanted a break, or that it was over?”

“Neither. I told her I needed some time and I do. I know what the endgame is here, Cam. I just need to figure out what I need to do to get there.”

Cameron hummed, for once he was okay with that answer. That he didn’t need the final result ASAP. 

“What about Lauren?” Noel asked quietly. “You said when I fixed it…”

“Yeah, I did. And I need to work that out too. I want us to be on the same page here. You told Layla you need some time, I’ll tell her I need some time. You leave Layla, I leave Lauren.” Cameron felt him sigh against his chest, right before he squeezed his arms. “Does that sound fair?”

“Yeah, it does.” 

“Good, then we go from here and take it slow.” Cameron let his eyes close as well, his body relaxing breath by breath. He enjoyed the heat of their bodies, Noel’s breath against his chest, his chin in Noel’s hair. All of it. “Thank you.”

Noel chuckled. “Thank you.”

**

Over the next few days, Cameron had been in a better mood. He and Noel were finally on the same page, they knew what they wanted and were taking it slow. In between takes and scenes, they’d make small talk, something they hadn’t done in years, something they missed. At the end of the day, they’d slip into one of their trailers and make out until they were blue in the face. They kept it casual though, Noel didn’t sit on his lap while it happened—because that’s how they normally did it—but sat beside him, their arms wrapped around each other, locked at the mouth, deep, deep into that headspace. 

Cameron told Lauren he needed some time to think. Which wasn’t a lie, he did need time to think about what all would happen if he ended things with her. If he was being honest, he wanted Noel to do it first, to show him it wasn’t for nothing, that he was as into it as he was. To say she wasn’t happy was an understatement. She hung up on him quickly after that and ended up extending her holiday in Florida. Which was fine with him, although he was already annoyed with all of her bikini pictures. He wouldn’t lie, she had a nice body but it was Hollywood, literally everyone had a body like that. It wasn’t special. 

That being said, Thanksgiving was two days away and he still had no plans. He didn’t want to assume that just because Noel had moved out of his house that they’d automatically spend the holidays together. That’s what he wanted, of course, to spend time with him because he could and they both wanted it, because they never shared a Thanksgiving together, or a Christmas without some kind of interruption. 

After work, he decided to stop at Whole Foods and pick up his grocery delivery. With his mask on and his empty cart, he stood in line and dismissed incoming social media notifications. People commenting on Lauren’s photos, tagging him, asking where he was, blah blah blah. He temporarily unfriended her and stopped all notifications from social media. 

“Hey, aren’t you that kid from shameless?” Someone asked.

Cameron turned, smiling behind his mask. Noel stood behind him, phone in hand, his eyes crinkling at the corners from smiling so hard. He was recording him, being playful and he loved the look on him. He went along with it for a moment, charging at Noel, pretending to be annoyed, throwing a punch that would have connected had it been real. Noel kept laughing and eventually turned the video off and Cameron knew it would be posted later that day and he was perfectly happy with that. 

“Hey, whatcha doin?” Cameron asked, making his way back to his cart when one of the employees pointed to the six feet apart sign on the ground. 

“Same as you I suppose.” Noel pointed to his empty cart. “Apartment is pretty much empty, needed some food. First holiday alone.”

Cameron smiled again, a childlike excitement rolling through his gut. “Yeah, same here. Only not the first holiday alone part. Just waited until last minute before I bought anything.”

God, it was a little awkward, but very, very cute. It was like their first crushes all over again and they didn’t know how to act or talk to each other. 

“No plans?” Noel asked. 

“Nothing indefinite. Was thinking I’d cook but if it’s just me…” he stopped, unable to help the laugh that followed. “Might get a hotel room instead. Get away from the masses and chaos, relax in a big bed, get one of those rooms with the hot tubs inside.” 

“Yeah, I’d say that sounds better than cooking. Would suck to be alone though, right?”

“I guess I wouldn’t have to be alone.” Cameron met his eyes and so badly wanted to see the smile hidden under that stupid mask. He knew it was there, waiting. “Maybe if someone else didn’t have plans, we could go together.”

“Good thing that someone doesn’t have plans.” Noel casually looked around, making sure someone didn’t have them under a microscope. “It’s been awhile since that person relaxed like that.”

It was happening. They were going to spend the holiday together. He almost couldn’t believe it. They’d be together, away together with nothing to do but relax and enjoy each other’s company. No worrying about work or the women in their lives, just them. 

“Maybe after this is done, we could work out the details?” Cameron asked, wanting to reach over and kiss him. 

“That sounds like a plan.” Noel winked. 

With that settled and all that excitement swirling around inside them, they couldn’t stop smiling at each other. The line moved up, their items were placed in their carts around the same time. They paid and walked out together. No contact because there were too many people, but Cameron gave him that look...the one only someone in love would know, and Noel gave him that same look in return. 

** 

Cameron stood in the room he booked for them at the Tickle Pink Inn located in Carmel, California, almost six hours from Los Angeles, plenty of space from them and anyone they knew personally. After their run in at Whole Foods, they got together at Noel’s new apartment, which wasn’t bad at all, two bedroom, near the studio. It was a cozy little place that he was already in love with simply because it was Noel’s. They talked details of where they should go, and decided on Carmel. 

It was a little pricey, but for good reason. The place was simply incredible. The enchanting luxury hotel overlooked the Big Sur coastline and was rated one of the best hotels in Carmel, California, and top 10 for romance. Which is what they wanted. The room was a Deluxe Ocean View Suite, it had a king sized bed, which they chose before hand...on purpose—knowing what would happen— it had a private balcony, Wood-burning fireplace, Whirlpool tub, Wet bar, mini refrigerator & microwave, Coffee maker & fresh ground coffee, Morning newspaper delivery, Terry cloth robes & slippers, HD TV & free movie rentals—the TV and movie rentals weren’t going to be high on their list unless it was early in the morning to check the weather. 

Cameron was impressed and booked an entire week at almost six hundred a night, but it was going to be worth it. It was their first actual getaway in years and the circumstances were different. They’d have time to relax, to be together, to talk because that was still important with the romantic getaway, sex was almost a given because they got one bed on purpose, instead of two which was an option. It wouldn’t be like the last time where it was hateful at first, then loving, this time it would be done the right way. 

The pools were closed due to the pandemic, as was the spa, but they had a hot tub in the bedroom, one big enough for two people and they would put it to use. The balcony would be a good place to sit out and enjoy the sun and the quiet, it was the perfect place to talk like they needed to, openly talk. He packed what food he paid for at Whole Foods to stock the mini fridge, picked up some beer along the way, whiskey—because he had to have it if he was drinking—champagne too but realized that there was already some on ice when he arrived. 

Now all he needed was Noel. 

He settled in, unpacking his bag, putting his clothes away on one side of the double dresser, putting his small bathroom bag in the bathroom, he even tucked away those necessary items in the side table, ones they’d need to go along with that king sized bed waiting for them. It wasn’t him be presumptuous anymore, sex would happen and he was more than a little nervous, and excited. The longer he waited, which felt like forever when it was barely half an hour before Noel would arrive, he had a fleeting thought that maybe he wouldn’t show up all together. Fear of past behavior on Noel’s end, so it wasn’t a surprise he felt that way. 

Unlike other people in the same position, he didn’t call Noel’s phone a dozen times asking for an update. That screamed a lack of trust. He paced a little, went out on the balcony to take in the view and take more than a half dozen deep breaths of fresh, unpolluted air. He even had a drink from the bottle of whiskey he brought and by the time his glass was empty, there was a knock on the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a link to the hotel, just in case you need visual : https://www.ticklepinkinn.com/deluxe-ocean-view-suites-room-31-29.htm


End file.
